paper rings (l.h.)

26

"Luke! You finally made it!"

It was the largest party I've ever been invited to, his apartment full of bodies that cheered for him who I'd never had heard of. I walk with my hand wrapped around his bicep, Luke greeting each of his friends warmly width a gentle nod and his kind smile. All their eyes dart towards me, as I begin to feel like an accessory on his arm. I watched as we made our way in circles, the music blaring so loud I could barely hear anything anyone said to him, or me. I glance at the island in the kitchen, at the mantel filled with assorted drinks and pre-rolls that were up for grabs. Luke didn't notice me step away, towards the island covered in alcohol, weed, and bowls of different types of candies that I treated myself to. I quickly slid a preroll in my bra.

My phone began buzzing. More so than usual, went from a buzz from Starbucks here or there to a few dozen texts in a row. I skin over the majority of them. "You're famous!" Said the retired group chat of a bunch of high school friends I hadn't thought about since we were younger. "Who would have thought it'd be you, Mary?"

I roll my eyes at the text, at the group of friends Luke hangs around. His bandmates were somewhere in the mix, off to mind their own conversations. Ashton sat on the kitchen counter, his voice booming over the thirty (way more than ten) others that were in here. I wasn't upset, I wasn't overwhelmed. I found a spare lighter on the table, and I pocketed that too.

"Babe," I walk over to him, after giving him a few minutes to reconnect with old friends. "I'm going to check on my Grandma."

"Okay," he nods, squeezing my arm before I pull away, and escape onto the balcony just down the stairs.

I found spot tucked away from peering eyes, although I did hear their whispers from where I sat. I found a mini oasis outside of Calum's sister's mini garden, and a concrete bench with two paw prints etched into the side, and the name Otis, 2015-2023. I grabbed the lighter, and the joint, and quickly placed them in between my lips.

I could hear the people laughing inside, over the music and I was convinced that, if I listened, I could hear Ashton laughing and joking over everyone else. Luke still stood in the corner, from where I could see through the glass. His hands were crossed, his smile more of a smirk as he made conversations. As I coughed my way through the joint I watched how he kept glancing up to see if I had walked in yet.

"You're always trying to escape, huh?"

I turn to find Calum with the same idea as me, pulling a joint out of his pocket and sitting on the other side of the bench as me. It was nearly eight thirty, and the sun still peeked out from behind the tall trees of the horizon. I held it between my fingers as I watched in disbelief at how close he made his way to me.

"I'm not used to big gatherings of people," I smile weakly, but trying my best. "And I don't handle confrontation very well."

"You'll get used to it," he scoffs, pulling a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket. "Light?"

I click the lighter on, extending the flame towards him and I watch carefully as his brown eyes focus on the flame in front of it.  "Are there always paps following you around?" I ask, watching how he places the cigarette between his lips, and leans towards the flame until it turned the end of the joint red hot.

"Not so much when I'm alone," he takes a drag, exhaling his breath into the sky above us. "Poor Luke. He's got it the worst."

I nod, not wanting to pry but also hoping he doesn't stop talking. It was cooler now that the sun was down, but just as muggy. I felt the hair on the sides of my face stick to my cheeks.

"I'm sorry," I turn to him, feeling my nose and my cheeks grow tingly with each drag I take. "I wish you didn't have to deal with that."

"We knew what we were signing up for," he smirks over at me, looking down at my beat up converse. "I'm sorry in advance, for whatever those vultures have to say about you and Luke."

I nod slowly, listening to the music as it pumps through the walls. I scoff, glancing at the bodies of people I can see through the windows, and the way they dance and laugh. I look over at Luke, who was now nodding along to some story one of his friends had enchanted him with. I watch his eyes, how they crinkle when he smiles. How his nose scrunches up when he laughs, and how he clenches his teeth when he is focusing. I felt my heart flutter when I watched him continue to watch for me.

"Does he know you're out here with me?" Calum glances over his shoulder, watching as my gloss-covered lips wrap themselves around the mouth piece, my eyebrows raising as Calum turns to face me from where he sat staring at the birdbath across the yard. Calum laughs, watching as I exhale the smoke into the air above our heads.

I shake my head, my voice raspy as I hold back a cough. "I didn't want him to feel like he had to come with me, and I knew he would," I say with smoke pouring out of my lungs with every word. "Should I have told him?"

"Your call," he shrugs. "I'm sorry about earlier, by the way. Yelling at Luke and basically cornering you in that studio with us."

"It's fine," I shrug, my body beginning to feel heavier. "In all fairness, the argument was the last thing on my mind."

"So what had you so upset?"

I look over at him, my hair blowing off of my shoulders and behind my back while I ash out what was left, which wasn't much. I shrug, running my fingers through my hair as the warm yellow glow of the overhead streetlights filled our backyard with its light. "Family stuff," I say, which was only a fraction of the truth. But I often save that for myself and my loved ones.

"Family sucks," he scoffs. "I understand."

I nod, finishing off the joint with a little cough behind each exhale I manage to produce. Clearing my throat, I shove the mouthpiece into a random glass ashtray sitting beside the bench.

"You probably know Luke better than I do nowadays," Calum says under his voice, watching as I tap the ashes out onto the concrete beneath my feet. "Is he alright?"

"He seems to be," I look over my shoulder once again, at Luke, who somehow finds my eyes despite a room and glass window separating him, from me. "He says he hasn't been this happy in a while."

"That's good," he nods. "I was scared he would hate my guts for the rest of my life-"

"Hey Cheech and Chong," Michael yells out the window, laugher erupting from the party as he peeks down at us. "We're about to sing."

I extinguish the lit joint and slide it inside my dress pocket. "We'll be right there," Calum shakes his head, and once the window is shut again, turns to me. "Just keep an eye on him," he stands up, looking down as I pull myself onto my feet. "It can't get bad again. It almost killed him last time."

"I will," I nod, moving the strands of hair that blows in the warm breeze of a late summer night behind my ear. Luke was definitely looking at us now, and I couldn't help but feel my body ache at the thought of my life without Luke. "I'll keep an eye on him."

He nods, throwing the mouth piece of the joint on the ground, and I watch as he extinguishes the smoke with his black thousand dollar shoes. "I like you, Mary," he looks up at me as we walk in together. "I think we're going to be good friends."

I nod up at him, walking through the door that he holds up for me.