paper rings (l.h.)

39

Once the commercial break began, and we were allowed out of our seats Crystal and I ran through the same hallways we had walked through earlier today. Our heels had come off in the process, my soft hair bouncing with each step I took trying to keep up with her. I had a smile, ear to ear, plastered to my face. It had been a while since I noticed my cheeks aching with each panting breath I took.

I didn't care about the stares headed in our direction and we passed by the biggest names in attendance. I didn't care about the security guards, who said nothing to us anyway. Nor did I care that my feet were already hurting from walking in heels, and that they were going to feel even worse after running barefoot.

She stopped dead in her tracks as she reached the dressing room - had the door been shut, we would have walked right past it. It was busier than it was earlier today, as I stepped towards the bustling room. I tried not to glance at the bathroom behind him, and tried not to remember how close Luke was to calling it quits. I didn't want to remember what he told me, that his overdose was actually an attempt to end his life. I didn't want to imagine a life without him.

They stood in the corner of the room, their manager - an older guy who likes to yell at people on the other side of his phone, holds his index finger to the camera. The band, still smiling widely at their triumph of a performance, seemed closer than ever. I even saw Calum smile, with his eyes, as he glanced towards the flashing in his eyes.

"Huh?" Their manager said, ignoring both Crystal and I as he walked to the other side of the room to attend to a phone call. Crystal giggled as Michael's eyes met hers, her arms wrapping around his body while she whispered soft words into her ear.

Luke was too busy watching his manager yap about some other artist to see me. He was avoiding eye contact it seems, with his bandmates, with the families of the band in the room who had came out to visit.

Hugging Calum was a girl who could have been his twin. She was a bit shorter than him, but had the same crinkle-eyed smile that her brother did. Her hair, just as dark as Calum's, was long and nearly reaching her mid-back. She was beautiful, put together. She looked like she was a big sister, and I smiled as I watched Calum seem to open up a bit more in her presence. Like a brother would, he let out a giggling scowl as she ran her fingers through his black hair. She said something, and his belly laugh filled the brick-walled room.

Ashton spoke with his siblings, too, and a lady I had not met before. She wasn't related to him, so it seemed by the way his hand wrapped around her waist. She took a sip of something in her red solo cup as his voice was louder than the rest of the individuals in the room. He smiled widely, hair full of sweat, as a young boy and a teenage girl dressed in their best clothes wrapped their arms around his waist, his legs.

But Luke just had me. His eyes still fixated on whatever was in his red cup, swirling the liquid around the rim inside. He licked his lips before he realized I was approaching him, wiping a lone bead of sweat from where it ran down his temple. "Hey," I said, placing my hand on his lower back.

He tensed at my touch, looking over his shoulder at me and forcing the fakest smile that didn't reach his eyes like the past ones usually did. He seemed broken, embarrassed. I looked into his pain filled eyes, my hand running down his forearm to hold his. "Hi," he said, reaching down to pull me close to him. He placed his cup down at the table directly beside him, and I couldn't remember the last time I was held as tight as this. "I'm sorry."

"Shh," I say against his neck, burying my face in his scent so my words could be quiet enough for only him to hear them. "No need."

"I'm sorry you had to see me like that," he continues, his hand slowly raising itself to hold the back of my head, tangled in my hair. I remembered, I had been held like this. When Luke had opened up about the first incident that sent him to me. When he spoke of his public humiliation, and his regrets. When he held me for the first time, it almost felt like he needed it more than I did. So I was held by him.