paper rings (l.h.)

37

Luke put his hand on my waist as we lined behind a thousand people who had arrived before us. The screams from the paps were deafening, the breeze cool. I was glad to be standing, I could finally breathe again. But standing hurt my bare feet, I guess lesser of two evils.

The three other bandmates eventually found their way to us, dressed in the same purple and black attire that Luke and I wore. Crystal stood directly behind us, and I glanced back at her to watch her wink at me. We were three guests away.

"Happy Birthday," he whispers in my ear as we await our turn, my eyes staring at the carpet below our feet, inches away from the beginning of the frontlines. I felt my face turn into a smile, up at him as I met his clear blue eyes. "I'm sorry we didn't do everything I had hoped."

We take one, two steps closer every few seconds. There were only a handful of people in front of us. I spotted Miley Cyrus a few moments away and felt my knees nearly buckle.

I grab his hand, still sweaty and trembling, bringing it up to my lips, looking into his eyes as I pecked his knuckle. I didn't care about celebrating my birthday anymore. "I'm having a great time," I said genuinely, and he glanced back down at the necklace around my neck before turning towards the ushers who organizes the guests in a neat line. Luke straightened himself in the corner of my eye, I stared at the floor. My feet ached, my hand holding his tight.

The six of us were brought on the red carpet together. Crystal and I stood back as the paps took photos of the band, each posing as if they've done this a thousand times before. They weren't yelling, they were screaming each name. I felt my heart race as the most ferocious roars came from the men behind the railing.

"Like animals," Crystal whispered as we stood behind them, photos clicking on us although we were only plus-ones. "Smile," Crystal reminded me, as my hand instinctively wrapped around her waist and her hand flew up to the sky, a playful laugh falling from her lips. I placed my hand under my chin and smiled widely, trying to pretend I didn't have the overwhelming urge to run back to the car for the remaining parts of the show.

"Luke, we're happy to have you back after such a long hiatus," the woman dressed in an all-black jumpsuit throws a microphone in his face, causing him to stop in his tracks. I nearly bump into the backside of him, standing instead right behind him as I try to balance myself. "Please, tell me what you're looking forward to in this next era?"

"Taylor! Taylor, over here!"

I was twelve again. I was in a homemade Taylor Swift T-shirt, dancing to her debut album with my hairbrush-turned-microphone. My door locked despite my parents at work and my siblings all moved out — it remained locked up until I moved out of my childhood home with my Mother. I watched as she effortlessly looked breathtaking, her green eyes scanning each flashing light in the room. Red painted lips, and a white gown, black elbow-length gloves. Her chin raised as before a soft smile formed on her face, causing my stomach to turn to mush.

"Mostly making new music," Luke attempts to answer despite all the shouting. They were growing louder the closer Taylor stepped, and my knees began to shake. "Reminding myself what it felt like to be on stage."

"Taylor! Taylor! Taylor!"

I felt as if my head could explode at the screams, my ears ringing as she stood perhaps two inches at most away from us. I felt my knees nearly buckle as she glanced in my direction as she passed by. Nothing more than that, I was lucky to call it a glance. I wanted her to read my mind, know how much she meant to me so that I didn't have to tell her myself.

I wasn't paying attention to the interview that I was in standing beside, Taylor darting through the carpet without stopping for a single question. I wondered if everyone was given that same privilege. Surely, Luke was tired of the same hundred questions over and over again — at least, that's what he mentioned when he first introduced the idea of attending the Grammy's with me.