June 7th 2014
She's not sure when it starts.
The beginning of the performance, or maybe during Sex when she hears a distant voice call out for her to show her tits.
But at one point in the performance all the noises seem to bleed into one overwhelming siren that blares harshly in her ears.
Ross' tall frame beside her isn't enough to hide her from the shadows of light that slithers across her body.
Matty's comforting words each time he passes by her to grab a drink aren't making it to her head, George's smiles aren't reassuring her and Adam's side hugs when they happen to be close enough aren't enough to stop her from spiralling.
It's been seven months. Seven.
She thought maybe it was the end, maybe they're finally gone and she can live her life anxiety free.
But now, as the lights are too bright causing her head to pound and the guitar strings make her fingers sweat she knows what's coming.
She doesn't even notice Matty has done his speech, doesn't notice Ross turning with his smile wide until his hand is on her shoulder, finger accidentally brushing the still red spot from the furious scratching a few days ago.
That's what makes her snap out of it, the remembrance of the pain she felt.
"You good?"
She nods, "I'm gonna go for a smoke."
"Wait, I'll-"
She doesn't wait, her guitar is abandoned and left behind, she trusts Adam will look after it, she's passing Caleb whose smile falls as he watches her retreating frame.
"Tommie?"
He follows after her quickly, watching her round corner after corner until she slams open the backdoor and gasps.
She gulps in the air greedily, acting as if the oxygen is her last meal as she falls to the gravelled ground.
Caleb winces, there's all sorts out in the back alley, cigarette butts, smashed glass even old setlists.
"Babe, you're gonna hurt yourself, get up."
She doesn't listen, back now against the wall, hand to her chest as she pushes back against her racing heart.
He crouches in front of her, "Tommie? What's wrong? Why're you upset?"
She tries to look at him but there's a layer of tears in the way. "Hmm? Answer me, Babe, I can't help if I don't know what's wrong? Was it something the crowd said? The signs? Did Matty say something?"
She's panicking now.
Seven months. Seven months. Seven months.
That's all she keeps repeating to herself in her head.
'You lasted seven months. You were good for seven months. You didn't need anyone for seven months.'
"Tommie? Babe, come on, talk to me, yeah?"
He reaches out, hand on her collarbone and she flinches. She flinches so hard her head smacks against the wall. Caleb physically recoils, not at her reaction but at the noise her head makes when it meets the concrete.
"Babe? Just- Just breathe."
He tries to reach for her and she shakes her head at the feel of his silk shirt, she hates the feel of silk, and the fabric on his arms makes her tongue itch.
This time when he reaches forward, he does it so quickly and with so much force that she can't hit him away.
"Babe? Babe, you're okay, I'm here with you..."
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FanfictionHe lifts his hand, slowly tracing his fingers up her arm until they reach her face leaving goosebumps and a warm trail behind. Then he moves just his pinky finger across her cheekbone, dragging along until he pulls the stray strands of hair behind h...
