December 25th 2017
It takes Tommie forty minutes to stop staring at the front door as if he's going to walk right back through. When she finally does leave the hallway her gaze settles onto the wrapped gift still untouched.
She's sitting criss crossed under her green Christmas tree with Button on one side and Allen the other.
The wrapping paper has little dinosaurs wearing cowboy hats, which upon further inspection she realises have been drawn on by hand. She tears it open, then folds it neatly and places it to her side. Her eyes tear up, her thumb traces the leather.
It's her book.
Her lyric book she thought lost forever sits right there in her hands with a blue post it note on top.
' Don't worry, I didn't punch him, Ross did (again).'
She giggles to herself as she takes the post it note and slots it inside to a page in the middle of the book, the one with the first ever draft of her poem 'show me yours'.
Beneath the old brown leather book is a very similar one. The exact same book instead this one is a dark green colour.
She flicks open the first page and finds a note has been drawn on the inside cover.
'The day that I met you I started dreaming. Now I write them down if I remember in the morning
-Yours, Matty'
A few pages have been written on, he writes on one side of a double page then leaves the other blank so she can fill in her own thoughts or change what he has written.
They're songs. Songs he had written in rehab. About her. For her. She's not sure yet.
Her eyes scan the pages as she flicks through them all, taking note of the titles scribbled in red ink.
Inside your mind
Love it if we made it
Be my mistake
Sincerity is scary
If it's not with you
Mine
In love
Sometimes
About you
Playing on my mind
She reads them all. Over and over and over. She only adds to one of the songs he's written.
She finds inspiration, she writes. She writes a lot, poetry which turn into songs and songs which become poetry. She finds herself finishing songs from her old book that she'd begun writing years ago. Love songs she'd tried to write about Caleb seem to fall together with a new inspiration in mind.
Matty.
Even in the breakup songs she finds ways to reference him in some way.
She can't help it. There's a piece of Matty in everything she does. Not just in her writing, she finds herself gravitating towards clothes of hers that he'd once touched. Like her old The Stone Roses shirt he wore once, or the flannel shirt he'd always 'borrow' when he came into her room. She buys his favourite brand of tea bags and stocks the fridge with his favourite pop. She listens to his favourite artist and hums a few tones lower to match his usual pitch. She reads books he had recommended and watches True Romance over and over because she can still picture his happy grin as he mimed the words along to the cinema scene. She finds herself stroking the freckle on her collarbone he once kissed. Touching the part of her hairline he would rest his lips against when he held her close. She finds herself thinking of him. Consumed by him. It's Matty. It's always been Matty.
She doesn't stop writing. The words seem to flow out of her unlike anything she's ever experienced before. Her hand cramps and even then she continues on with ink stained finger tips delicately turning white pages.
She shifts the book from her knee to the coffee table and as she does something falls out from the back of it. Shuffling awkwardly across the floor and raising the heads of the two dogs who watch her, she reaches for the small photograph.
A smile stretches her lips. It's of the band a few weeks after she first met them. She was young at the time, thirteen maybe if she remembers correctly. Matty is standing directly behind her with his hand on her shoulder and his chin on her head. She's smiling so big. She misses it. She misses the band. She misses her boys. She misses her Matty.
July 30th 2007
"You'll be fine.'
Her cousin's words do little to help sooth her nerves as she clutches his hand. "They're my best mates," He continues on as he holds the door open for her, "They'll love you as much as I do."
"I'm not sure, Ads."
"It'll be fine."
He promises as he opens the door. Three sets of eyes are on her when she enters and she pauses at the doorway.
It's the tallest one with a buzzcut that comes to her first with a smile. "Caroline?"
"Tommie." She says quickly.
"I'm Ross." He tells her, then with a hand on her back he guides her further into the room to sit on the small two seater they have.
Before he can settle beside her the space is taken by the long haired guy, he throws an arm over her shoulder and places the other in front of her for her to shake. "I'm Matty. Hann tells us you can play guitar, wanna be in the band?"
Ross shakes his head and pushes Matty away from her by his forehead, "She's like ten leave her alone."
"I'm not... ten." She says quietly.
Matty shrugs, ignoring her quiet comment, "Well, let her decide, Ross." He turns back to her then, brown eyes looking right through her, "Would you?"
She shrugs, "I don't know."
"Leave her alone."
The third guy who she hasn't learnt the name of yet drags him to stand and pushes him away, Ross takes Matty's spot while the guy in the beanie offers a shy smile. "I'm George."
She nods back to him and lets her eyes go back to Matty who's rocking back and forth on his feet, "I've always said having a girl in the band will do us better."
"Better how?"
He sighs dramatically and Adam shoots a sharp look to George, "Really? You want him to give his whole speech again?"
George shrugs innocently as Matty clears his throat, "First of all, a girl can hit different notes than me, having one to harmonise-"
"Matty." Ross interrupts, "The girl's just got here. Let's leave her alone, eh?"
He rolls his eyes then turns them back to Tommie, "Favourite song?"
She looks back to Adam, already hating her cousin for forcing her to meet his friends, "I don't know, um." She looks around at the walls of the little pool house they're hidden away in. There's posters and instruments all lying around, the floor is covered in wires and through a barely covered glass window she can see the pool. "I like that one of the new Arctic Monkey album."
"Which one?"
"Brianstorm."
He nods in thought, "Alright. Sit back, relax and enjoy, Thomas. We're gonna blow you away."
He ushers the guys up and Ross leans towards her, "This is him trying to convince you. Don't give in, he's pushy but he'll give up eventually."
Looking back, Tommie's glad he didn't give up.
She clutches the photo to her chest and leans back against her settee with a sob of solitude.
With tears in her eyes she crawls across the floor to her sofa and grips her phone. With shaky hands she lifts it to her ear as the phone starts ringing.
"Hello?"
"Can you come over? Please. I just-" She niffles and rubs the back of her wrist against her nose, "I really need you right now."
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show me yours | matty healy
FanfictionHe lifts his hand, slowly tracing his fingers up her arm until they reach her face leaving goosebumps and a warm trail behind. Then he moves just his pinky finger across her cheekbone, dragging along until he pulls the stray strands of hair behind h...
