sad, beautiful, tragic // j.r.b

twelve

TW: This chapter contains graphic discussions of abuse and anxiety and depictions of physical injuries.

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"Sugar or no?" Julien called to me from the other room as I got changed into something more comfy. Though shamelessly decided to keep the sweater on even if it looked out of place with the pajama pants with teddy bears printed all over them. Even if she was still right in front of me it was comforting, her scent still lingering on it. Something I knew I would always catch myself searching for now.

"Always." I answered as I trotted out of my room, seeing she had shed her Carhartt jacket to another one of her 15 t-shirts of the same color as she mixed up two steaming mugs of tea. Every 'suite' type dorm having what they called a kitchen area though it was really just a few counters, a table, and a space for a microwave and oven that I was still too scared to use even after living here all of last semester too. I shouldn't complain though, because it was more than the shoebox I lived in whenever I was a freshmen last year. "You?" I wondered as I let my hands clasp together on her shoulder.

"Nah." She shook her head, already reaching to take a sip of her own causing me to pull a face at the thought of bland tea.

"That's a choice."

"You're a choice." She said jokingly with a light shrug as she pushed my mug towards me. My jaw dropping in mock offense as my eyebrows furrowed together.

"What in the everlasting fuck did you just say to me?"

Julien burst into giggles, feeling her hand grasp my chin once more as she pulled me in to kiss her. "You're the best choice." She added once she pulled away, a smile that was impossible to stay mad at remaining on her lips as she began to make her way towards the living room. "Couch okay? Or do you wanna lay down?"

"Couch is okay." I answered with a sheepish nod as I trailed behind her.

"Blanket? Squish? All the comfort items?" She wondered as she lifted up the knitted blanket and one of the larger stuffed animals. And all over again I almost felt myself wanting to cry as she thought of every possible thing that could've made me feel better.

"Please." I said with a fragile laugh as I let her drape the blanket over my shoulders while I hugged the squishmallow to my chest. Almost feeling ashamed at how childish I was acting, it was ridiculous.

Julien took a seat next to me, eyes locked on me, always attentive. "Go for it." She murmured as she rested a hand over top of mine, and I sighed as I let my fingers slip through hers.

"I guess I was more or less in a relationship with this person for... a few years. It was on and off, and volatile a-and toxic as fuck but- she'd always find some way to bring me back in. I don't know why. Because whenever things were good they were really good but whenever things were bad they were..."

"Really bad." She whispered, gently running her thumb along my knuckles.

"Yeah." I replied as I caught my bottom lip in between my teeth. "To be honest I still don't know if I ever actually felt anything for her or not because she- she pushed. I-If she wanted to do something she wouldn't take no for an answer. So to this day I still think it was just... me being too scared to say anything."

"I get it." She murmured once more, letting her fingers trail upwards to gently stroke along my arm as she inched my sleeve up. And I didn't mind. Her touch was safe, gentle. "If I'm getting too touchy feely and you want me to back off, just let me know, okay?"

"No, it's okay, it's... it's comforting." I flushed before looking downwards at the way her inked fingers seemed to caress my skin. "I wasn't even out whenever I first started talking to her, she came out infinitely before me and I remember we were just hanging out and she told me she had never kissed a girl before but she wanted to... obviously, but, she kept telling me over and over again that she wanted it to be me and... I mean, I told her I was flattered but I didn't want to. But she just kept bringing it up over and over again until I finally just-" I shrugged, feeling something behind my eyes break as my vision grew blurry.