Hi there, friends! I scrolled through this story to see if I had posted any of these messages and it doesn't seem like I have. Either that or I have deleted them which I definitely might still do but also might not... hoping it can maybe serve as a reminder to not let myself have to feel like this again. Though it feels like the hardest thing in the entire world. I know you've all heard this story again and you're probably sick of seeing these and to be completely honest I'm tired of making them. I don't even know why I am making this besides maybe seeking out some support, because as of now I feel like writing is one of the only things I have and I'm going to be doing it so voraciously... or at least hoping I can.
Long story short (or hopefully at least), I've found myself in a rough spot with one of my closest friends where I'm 99.99% sure I've lost them... yet again. In turn losing the entire world we've written, all the characters, ideas, and just in general a huge escape for me. I won't go into detail and am frankly terrified to even post this because I don't want anything to be held against me. And as much as I hate to say it in my own little way I'm scared of them. But more than anything I'm scared for them. The decisions they're making are some of the worst they've ever made. I can't stand walking away but I don't feel like I've had a choice. I can't stand by and watch someone destroy their lives no matter how many times I run to their house in the middle of the night and try and talk them down. Calling in from my job the next day, getting no sleep, etc etc... I truthfully can't do anything anymore.
I feel so so so lost. So defeated and just sad in general. It feels like in the course of the past few months I've lost everything and I can't handle another loss but I know regardless I have to. I've done everything I've possibly could.
Everything feels triggering to me now. I made playlists and photo albums, the tiny things feeling pointless. Crying to the point of screams on the phone until my mom has to come and get me. Crying on their bedroom floor and saying that I couldn't handle the aftermath. I couldn't handle everything that stays and sits and collects dust during the aftermath. I put so much into this. I put so much hope and heart into this and I don't know what to do.
Like I said I don't know why exactly I'm posting this or even writing this. Maybe because I'm trying some way to funnel this indescribable pain into something that can at least matter. I know how dramatic I probably sound and I hate it. I hate how much my mental health has been at an all time low and it feels like the universe it just making a joke out of it at this point.
I'm not sure how to even end this but don't want to ramble on more than I need to. I'm just trying my best and I don't want anyone to think I'm going anywhere because these little stories on this little corner of the internet is truthfully all I have. But still, I'm struggling but I'm trying. I'm trying like absolute hell :/
If anyone's DMs are welcome let a bitch know! If anyone wants to be friends let a bitch know too because I could probably use some! 😅
I hope none of you have to feel like this but it kills me that most if not all of you probably have. If you do though I'm here, always 🩵
YOU ARE READING
sad, beautiful, tragic // j.r.b
Fanfiction~some things you just can't speak about.~ // hazel eloise finley's old english and frankly quite pretentious name was never released to public whenever she survived the shooting at her high school. not even after the paramedics took her away with a...
