wish list | daerin

❛ I Was Never There ❜

⌗ 36
mason ✎ᝰ
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I was never always there. That's a known fact. Time had brought Riley and I together when it was right. I stand by that wholeheartedly. I believe that there's a right time for everything.

There's one other thing I believe that's more precious than time itself—it's who we spend it on. I've spent my years with the same familiar faces that I know and love. There's Mavis, Mara and Elly. Of course Mika and Renz aren't an exception. And along the way I met Riley.

I believe that people walk into your life for the same reason they walk out. They serve a purpose, teach us a lesson or maybe they simply exist for the sake of existing in our lives for reasons we may never know. People will come and go. Some will even try to pry their way back. It'll always come down to whether or not we want them to.

I never thought about it before. Time exists just as prominently as I do. It plays it's part and I do mine. Time can even be as much of a bitch as I am. Time can also expose what you mean to someone. We will always be so inevitably linked to time in a way we don't seem to think.

Life goes on and I wake up every day growing seconds, minutes and hours older than the last. Life goes on and I wake up in a reality where her and I exist in this life time. Life will unfold before my very eyes and so I pray with every little part of me that as life goes on, so do we, where you and I coexist and live a life where forever is possible.

I was never always there.

There are parts of me that hate it. What could I have done to have met you sooner? Would it have been possible? Would we still be an us had things been so different from how they played out?

These questions plague my mind. It's the deeply rooted curiosity that keeps me wondering. How different would things really be if we never were an us? There's a sharp feeling in my chest as I think that. I couldn't ever bare to think that way...and for some reason I'm doing just that.

The invisible string has led me to her. There's no doubt in my mind that we were, at some point, meant to have collided in this not so big world.

The mere thought of the existence of as many as eight billion people in this world makes fate seem so impossible and out of reach. But in a world of eight billion people, she was always going to be mine—one way or another.

I was never there from the start. But maybe the universe had a reason. We might of just met at the right place and the right time. There's a swell of warmth that begins in my heart and spreads through my body like wildfire.

I may have not been with her for her silly little play dates at day care or her through her awkward primary school days or her first few years of high school but...I'm here now.

And that's all that matters, right? That I'm here in this moment—existing, breathing, and loving the girl that my heart calls and desires with every beat of my heart. In every waking thought, sweet dream and everything in between...

Riley who in this life time is the girl I belong to.

Riley who in this life time is I the one I chose.

Riley who in this life time is the one I love.

Riley who will be with me through and through.

I was never there...

But I am now. Here's to forever right?

I shouldn't feel sad or disappointed that I was never there from the start. Maybe I feel a little jealous at times too...

Andy was always there for her when I ceased to exist in Riley's life (until now). Andy who witnessed you grow up into the girl you are now. Andy who loved and cared for you before I did. Andy who has many fond memories and firsts with you that I won't ever have. Andy who you love and cherish. Andy who will always be there.

I don't know how to feel. Part of me is comforted over the idea of her best friend existing in our lives to be the person you need that isn't me. But part of me feels like I lack what she has.

The problem here is that I'm not too sure what I lack exactly. Or if I lack anything at all. But I somehow feel that way when she's near. I feel like I need to prove something or be somewhat better. The thought of it drives me crazy. It's just silly intrusive thoughts that make my brain hurt.

I'm here and I'm hers.

I repeat that in my head hundreds and thousands of times over till it welds into my brain like a tattoo on skin. I reiterate it enough till my brain aches at the thought of it. It doesn't matter...

It doesn't matter that you were never always there even when she was. Nothing will happen.

Right now is all that matters after all.

I'm here.

I'm hers.