Easing The Pain

Midnight Visits

It's been a little over a week since I've talked to Mildred. I know she said we couldn't see each other but that doesn't make it any less hard. I find myself awake in the middle of the night, insomnia working overtime like the rent is due. I sit in the windowsill, looking out at the lake, the moonlight casting a shimmery glow on the grass.

The trees swaying gently in the night breeze. I lean my head against the cold window, sighing at the slight comfort it brings me. I look down and wonder which car is Mildred's, assuming she's even still here. "That's mine" I hear someone whisper behind me, a finger coming into view.

I turn quickly at the familiar voice and without thinking I hug her tightly. "Woah" she chuckles airily, her arms instantly wrapping around me too. I bury my head in her chest and begin to feel her stroke my hair. I listen in to the sound of her heartbeat, a slow and steady rhythm that sounds oddly like music to my ears.

Her chest rising and falling in a consistent manner making it hard for me to pull away. It's only when I realize I've wedged my face between her breasts that I think it best to move. "Hello to you too" she jokes, a seemingly mindless movement of her hand pushing my hair back.

"What are you doing here?" I ask curiously, "well if you don't want me here..." she replies moving back. "No! Come here" I say pulling her close, a little too hard I assume as she literally falls over my lap. Her hand flying out to catch herself and keep her upright. Her palm lands on the glass with a soft thud, her body leaning over my own.

She looks down at me and shakes her head, a prominent smirk plastered on her face. Instead of moving away like I thought she would, she slides into the windowsill. I unconsciously spread my legs so she can bend hers in between them. And we just sit like that for a moment, both of us staring out the window.

"I've got everything ready for us to go" she speaks, "that's good" I sigh. "Then why don't you sound happy?" she asks bluntly, I can feel her eyes on me but I don't turn my head. I merely shrug and rest my elbows on my knees. My forearms leaning towards me as I try to hide my fidgeting fingers. "Alex..." she calls, "mhm" I hum in response.

"Why won't you look at me?" she asks quietly, I just shrug my shoulders. "And now you're not talking... what's wrong?" she inquires, whatever emotions she's feeling are laced by curiosity. "I don't know" I reply honestly, "do you want to talk about it?" she asks and I shrug. "You can tell me anything. I won't judge you" she reassures me.

"I'm just thinking... what if it's too good to be true? What if I fuck it up for all of us and then you never talk to me again? I just- it sounds pathetic but... I don't know if I could handle that" I confess. I glance to her only to see the very sad expression on her face. "I didn't—well I didn't mean to make you sad. I just mean that—like—I wouldn't expect you to choose me over your own brother and-" I ramble but stop myself as she puts her hand up.

She looks conflicted as she gazes at me and I'm uncertain as to her next move. She very hesitantly leans closer to me and I freeze, keeping my eyes on her, watching her every move. She brings her hands to cup my cheeks, a slight shake to her fingers. She opens her mouth to speak but closes it soon after. She just shakes her head to my statement and runs her thumbs along my cheekbones.

She pulls away slowly and stalls for a moment. She blinks rapidly and seems to kickstart all of a sudden. She pulls her legs closer to her to avoid hitting my own before swinging them over and standing up. Without a word she starts towards the door and I stare confused.

"Why do you always do that? Leave me..." I ask and she stops; her hand on the knob just like before. And for a second, I think she might actually answer me. "Keep your bag packed. I'll come get you when it's time" she says, leaving before I can reply. As the door shuts quietly behind her I sigh. I slip into bed and pull Coco to my chest, the warm memories sending me to sleep.