Perfect Disaster-Charles Leclerc

nineteen

"Max we need to talk" I feel the weight of this whole situation, lando and I fucked up

"I already know, lando tried no holds barred, do you like it? I just want to know this." I see his blue eyes turn off in an instant, he lowers his head, I can't do this to him

"no, max, you, just you. I made a mistake, I did what Nico did to me so if you want to break up with me, do it"I look at the white floor of his hotel room, it's full of his perfume, full of him, his things, his spirit that I destroyed

"did it mean something?"

He searches for my eyes, I know, he rests his hand on my chin and lifts it, I can't look at him, in the end nothing so bad happened, lando didn't kiss me long, he didn't touch me, it was a kiss in the snog.

"Nothing, zero feelings. Zero. I realised how much I want you max, the butterflies in my stomach, when my body only responds to you in a certain way, when it's your blue eyes I want on me, not anyone else's."

He takes those eyes away from me though, he looks almost disappointed, he is, he's right, he's completely right, I've succumbed to a fucking childish weakness and now he's slipping away from me, and that's the one thing I don't want, I take his arm and I had him to myself, he seems to be struggling with himself

"I know it's late for apologies, I know you're right to be angry, disappointed, to leave me, but max I pushed him away as soon as his lips touched mine and I felt nothing"

he shakes me off and starts walking and I try to catch up with him running in the rain, I want him is he hard to understand? I know he needs time, but if he spent that time with me it would be easier to understand him

"Max, fuck" I scream to bridge the distance between us

"I fell in love with you, I love you! Is that so hard to understand? You need time I know, but it's you, it's always been you."

And I feel her tears start to fall, I take off my pass and start walking in the opposite direction, I'm sure the tears are mingling with the rain. I have to get out of here, that's the only thought, I don't want to have a heel of panic in front of an entire paddock. What was I thinking? What was I thinking, getting kissed by Lando? Great choice April, now you've lost the only one who really loved you and made you feel enough in the last while, really good job

"Stop"

and I stop at his voice, he could ask me anything and I'd say yes right now, any to have him back because that little hole in my heart I don't want, I never wanted, he filled it and he was taking a piece of it away, and I should never have given him the chance to let me go. And it is he who simply resets the distance and kisses me as he never did, each time it is like seeing a different Max: the jealous Max, the one who makes you realise what is his, the one who simply loves you, and the one who thought he would lose you for an eternal moment. I can smell his cologne on his shirt

"don't let me go, please" are the only words I can whisper when my forehead makes contact with his, my eyes are closed, I cannot look at his pain in the blue depths

"it's not good, but it's good. I know you pulled away right away, I was on my way to the motorhome and I saw the scene. Lando said so too and anyway you told me straight away, that's worth more to me than anything" he touches my chin, he wants me to look at him, he wants me to see him sincere, direct, hurt

"it's not too late to apologise because I fell in love with you too, it's not hard to believe. I never thought I'd say this, but you make things special, messy, difficult more than they seem and you run away from things out of fear, but with me you deal with them, it will be the relationship of the first few times because this is the first and last time I forgive someone something like this"