Perfect Disaster-Charles Leclerc

twenty nine

"Let's talk about it"

 charles stayed with me for two days, maybe the two longest for him and andrea, they worked unreasonable hours, he stayed with me so that I could sleep, take him to dinner and lunch, it didn't matter what he had to do, where he had to go, in those hours my name was on his calendar, and if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have found the courage to speak

 "what have I done to you?" My tone is harsh, I have always defended myself from the world like that, I have always had to do it myself. 

"You act that way you know bothers me" 

"and that justifies you?" I shake my head and look behind her, not daring to look at those dark eyes that have always been with me, ready to defend me, to support me, to be there in any way I can. 

"What do you mean? It bothers me and you know it!" Her tone rises and I take a step back physically and four in my head, it feels like deja vu, not with her but from when I lost the person who meant the most to me. 

"Fine, sorry for whatever I did" I make to turn around, pero she's the one who stops me 

"don't fuck with me" 

"what should I say? I annoyed you, fine. I'm bothered by the sudden silence, you know, what should we do? Yet you did the same, but here I'm only wrong" 

the good that flows between me and her is so much, it always has been, since the year before we became teammates, we bickered, but never like this. I don't know if we'll ever find a square, a solution between us, sometimes screwing up is easier, it also hurts less than persevering.

 "Sorry" 

I don't care who's right or wrong, I care what he thought of me, what he said, his references, everything that was said. I grew up knowing that finding a culprit is useless, I grew up knowing that spitting on everything is not the solution, I grew up learning to suck it up, to always be the one who suffers in relationships, no more. You don't stay in your own time, not anymore, I exist too, I love myself, and I am my first choice, always. I have matured and understood this over time, I have grown through all the people I have met, through everyone I have experienced. And now I choose me and I deserve better than those who think that what you feel and hear is universal and others do not exist. I deserve this more 

"hug me come on, let's finish this" 

inside I know something is wrong, I'm throwing down without saying anything, yet. And I will need time, everyone needs time even her to understand what she wants. I embrace her and feel strange in it, I don't know something is wrong, as always with me. That's probably it: there's something wrong with me.

"I've got to go, lewis is waiting for me in the gym with Steph"

 my angels to be honest, lewis came in these days and gave me my space, he peppered me with 'are you alright?' But at the right moments, the ones where he knew I would talk and get it off my chest, just like with Charles.

'There's my girl'

 Lewis runs up to me and hugs me. It all feels profoundly wrong without her, if she's not there to work out with me, it feels wrong to find a house for one girl and not two, and Charles is great at that, he only takes me to see flats where one room can become a place where she can stay too, and he's been all over San Francisco to find good ones, in a safe neighbourhood and close to gyms. 

"How's it going with Char?" I look at him and huff starting to do my pushups 

"the usual asshole sometimes, but he tries, we're doing good, if he's not a flop like Max"