Perfect Disaster-Charles Leclerc

fifteen

I pull max away from me for a moment and leave him to converse with Lau , check the phone 

"Shout his name less loudly, you loudmouth" 

"think about getting Alexandra to shout your name, leave me alone, you heckler"

I respond impulsively and return my eyes to Max as if nothing had happened, searching for some calm in his eyes, that calm I miss and lose every time he appears, like a light taken away, as if I don't deserve, as he says of him, to be loved except for a one-night stand, and that's why he appears like this every time. It's like my eyes go to a certain point and that point is where the hate ends, and I can't see past it there's love, but I can't see it from after niccolo, it's like he took that piece of the world, like I lost my little light in my eyes, my will to do, my constant good humor. Did I ask too much or did I just ask for the right things, but from the wrong person? I'd like to hurt him the same way I feel, to take away the same piece, to leave him there with his eyesight blurred by tears, by separation, I'd like to hurt him, but I'll never make it. I'm the one with the constant pain that throws down though, like a lump in my throat, uncomfortable like when you realize you're breathing and you start doing it mechanically, it becomes uncomfortable, no longer obvious, no longer right.

 "I'll kidnap her then, now she won't notice anything"

 I bring my eyes to my friend and then to max, is it too soon? Why do I feel totally wrong in being around him, in pining for that affection and effect he gives me and does, why is it as if I don't deserve it? I look for Max's eyes, he's the one who has all the answers, always and everywhere, but I don't find them. I find my friend in the doorway with a strange and disappointed look on me

 "what's wrong with you?"

 He hangs up and I bring my hands to my head and fix my hair once more 

"first you kiss him, then you get lost in your thoughts, you make a selective silence and I have to clean up your mess" 

indeed he is right, he did clean up my mess by letting him go and making up some pretty good excuses to cover for me, but I didn't think he would throw it in my face like that

 "yeah, well, thanks again" I pick up the phone and throw it on the bed and I sit on it 

"no, April. Now you're talking, this silence has to stop, I'm not here to look pretty, nor to be there when you feel good, either you talk or for me you can stay silent until you make up your mind" 

I look at her, snort and almost laugh, I take the headphones from over the nightstand and pass them shoulder to shoulder

 "whatever you say, Laura" she squares herself in front of the door 

"it doesn't work that way, you can act like a bitch to Leclerc, not to me"

 I shrug, check the time on my phone, it's dinner time and I don't know anything in this town so even if I wanted to I wouldn't know where to go

 "well, that's how it works now, I didn't have to be quiet until I made up my mind"

 she smiles bitterly and raises her arms and I shrug for a second, take my little notebook in my hand and make my way out of that room that is getting too tight at the moment. Actually she may be right 

"if you hate one person it doesn't mean you have to hate everyone, or push them away. You can't stand charles and you don't understand him, that doesn't mean everyone is a jerk around you. Max is really hitting on you, and you, being a jerk, are stopping at niccolo."

 I go out and slam the door, we rarely fight and it has saved us often, but sometimes it just simply hurts and everyone is on their own even though a hug from the other would be enough. It's damn hard all the time sometimes.