Perfect Disaster-Charles Leclerc

thirty one

"Don't read it in front of me for charity"

his voice still rings in my ears from that morning right after he left, I also remember the hatred I felt for his infamous, hateful, ridiculous, heartless joke. I remember my pulse going down, my heart having a twinge and my stomach ready to turn over and vomit in an instant. I missed him though, when he came back to running, to testing we took our time, I needed time, I had gone from Max to Charles in too little time. But it was then strong of me, I was playing and my head and my heart were there with him, we were months apart and we felt, it's true, but it was difficult, I felt I could just be April. It's not true that when you fall in love or have a lightning strike you're flustered, you're the most serene person in the world, you know it's right. Butterflies in your stomach? The right. You know it's right, you know you want to enjoy the moment because the eyes speak for you anyway, that's all you need. He would call me at night when neither of us would collapse into bed and the time difference was decent, but sometimes he would wake up on purpose, I know. I wished I could always have him near me, even and especially in moments of doubt, because I looked into his eyes and I knew. It's him, it can only be him and how do I know? The most important game of the championship, last shot, tie, in or out of the playoffs. The last shot was mine and out came the first speculation about us, about him with others and my jubilation in a moment of adrenaline, from the floor, was a mimed 'CL' with my hands, I didn't know if he was in the stands, in front of the TV or in the car, I knew that if he ever saw me, he had to know that all my strength was his, my confidence on and off the court, he had to know that I'm his in an incredibly stupid and safe way. Just like I know he's mine because the weekend of that game he won, putting a lingering lead on max and getting out of his car, before the usual agitated fist he made an 'A' because he knew I was with him in his car, in his on board with Sky all the time and he had to let me know that he'd seen me, that he understood and that I was his.

"Ma chère, I know it bothers you so I will call you that my hell angel, I hate you, I can't help it, I hate you as much as you don't deserve you, as much as you don't deserve your love, your warm smile, I hate you as one hates the last night of summer, I hate you as one hates goodbyes, I hate you as one hates that grand prize full of memories, I hate you and I can only do so since I've seen you, everyone has seen you and he has had you, I can only do so much to see you in his arms happy and defiant and I can't help hurting you to get you away from me. I can't help but look at you and not be able to see you, endure because it would hurt too much to know that I could have you, but I'm too stupid to have realised at the end, I was more blind than Max, I got behind him again. But what can I do about it? Love is not a thing for me, I won't stand another betrayal, I won't stand another broken heart. You are my hell circle, my hell angel and you don't know how many times I wanted to kiss you to hurt Max, to hurt you and me. To rub it in Max's face, to make you weigh your mistake, but the day that happens will be the perfect time, as my mum says, I'll be able to brag to the devil that I've tasted heaven without going there. If you are my circle, you are also the key to get out of it, shame to be only your punishment though. I don't deserve you April, not like this, you don't deserve this Leclerc. You deserve Charles, and only the day I introduce you to the real Charles could we talk about this again. Don't give up on me, don't let go, grit your teeth just a little longer, bear it just a little longer, for me. For us. Sorry, sorry for everything I said, did. Sorry ma chère. Today would be 4 months since we met, 4 months and 16 days of a Dantesque circle. Coincidences eh, our numbers together. That's why I should give you a special tulip, for you. Just for you, chère."

My diary sheet is always with me, in my bag, in my duffle bag at training, at the match, in my mobile phone cover. Entering the paddock was difficult, but I want to be with him today, even if he doesn't know it yet. It's Monte Carlo, his city, his race, it has to be his victory and if it is I want to be there. I'm lucky we're not playing this weekend, thanks to the break before the playoffs.