Perfect Disaster-Charles Leclerc

twenty eight

"All I'm saying is that I need a playlist"

 I'm walking into the airport and Charles has already called, he has a meeting with Fédéric and he's staying in Hungary, I on the other hand have to find a house in san francesco, pick up my stuff in italy and move, leaving half my life on the other side of the world

 "I'll send you the link to mine, add whatever you want" I smile under my breath and look for my flight number on the departure board 

"do you have to go?" 

"Yeah, char, I have to look for a house practically on my own.... Laura's disappeared off the radar" I hear him snort from the other end of the phone 

"I bet with a bitch like that I couldn't last that long either"

 "good thing you don't have to...I'll talk to you when I get there"

 "do it though, see you later" 

I put the phone in my pocket and bring my attention to that board as Laura walks past me completely pretending that my existence is an unknown fact to her. I throw down saliva, it hurts, but I have learnt to my cost that you have to throw down if you care about someone, you have to smooth out your angles, you have to compromise, you have to always respect the other person, you have to do a lot of things that don't work so well with us. I've already lost someone by not throwing her down and she was the best thing I ever had, she was my person and it's hard to find someone else like she was, then Lau came along, everything seemed perfect but two strong characters often clash and above all if you don't listen to each other you'll never get far. I'm not saying that I don't miss her, that I hate her, or that she's wrong, but that we both handle everything badly. And silence is often a double-edged sword even though I love her, even though I am obsessed with silence, even though so many things. Being an adult is often not easy. And we are different: her for responsibility, me for reasoning. My family has always been perfect on the surface, everything was perfect, but you never have to look behind the curtains, under the doormat, everyone has their own secrets at home: arguments, going out, raising their heads, fears... A few years ago at the worst time my parents had put me in front of a choice: 

'Ap, you'll have to figure out who to be with, they'll ask you just in case. Your brother is of age, but you..." 

Injuries, panic, tears, physical pain not to feel the mental one, days, hours, afternoons in the village basketball court to take my mind off it, reading books on repeat because 

"if you know the ending, it doesn't hurt" 

I always needed to have clear choices in front of me, a plan of action. I am a playmaker to control the game, inside that rectangle I have everything under control, panic does not rise, I have no fear, no anxiety. And for me it's a success because I'm afraid of everything: of not being liked, of making mistakes, of failing, of not knowing what to do next. I owe lau so much, so much, but that does not mean I am not hurt. The silence I let slide doesn't mean that I'm OK with it, that I don't fight not to talk to her, it just doesn't go down well with me, but you have to know how to be strong on your own and I, this weekend I proved everything my mother told me on the phone and I couldn't be prouder.

"Ah you're there then"

 her gaze falls on me, we have seats together, her tone is uncaring, cold, detached

 "don't worry, I switched seats" any position is better than that at the moment. He grabs my arm and I quickly step away, for once I thank the gym workouts for my arms