Perfect Disaster-Charles Leclerc

seventeen

CHARLES'S POV ABOUT THE DAY 

It is the night that hides me and brings me advice as most of the time to tell the truth. I am a normal, talented guy, with everything I need and more, but empty at the moment. Pierre has given me back that piece of love, that brotherly love, of friendship. Alexandra gives me a love that I have already had, seen and seen again, that calm, serene love, without problems, head ups and misunderstandings, it seems that she constantly needs to tell me that I am right in order not to lose myself and for me it is becoming a paso tempo. I approach the park railing and kick leaves in bulk, maybe they have the solution to my problems. Maybe they know why I cannot feel loved as I am. The evening at the winter ball was heavy, really heavy, between Charlotte and that precisina April. I'm Charles Leclerc I can blink and believe it, can't I? Any girl falls at my feet she doesn't, she has to challenge me all the time, she has to stand up to me, she has to say less than she thinks and put that doubt in my mind that makes me come back to fight with her, always. I've seen her in the paddock, I've seen her smile at the mechanics, at the other riders, at Max. She has her heart in her hand with anyone, even someone like me who does nothing but treat her badly. I can't stand her: I can't stand her voice, her presence, her kindness, her defiance, her mind games, I can't stand her warm smile, the light she carries. I cannot see her in practice. I hurt her, I make her cry, rightly Carlos protects her and pushes me against a wall, and in response I protect her in turn by fighting off any photographer, journalist from her on the way out. Did it cost me anything? No. Did I feel guilty? Not really, but I had never seen Carlos like that and if she reacted like that it means there is something special about her, something that everyone sees and I have seen too, perhaps, but which I refuse to admit. She brings good humour to everyone in the garage, I see it when she enters, it's like a sunshine that I don't want at the moment. I want fucking darkness to surround me all day long, for a long time at least, I'm driving well, I have a half girlfriend or rather a bed friendship to be honest, it ends there along with a bit of publicity in the paddock. I need that at the moment and to have her as far away from me as possible, even though I'm inevitably always around her. Why do I hate her? Because of that good humour that she always has, even if I hurt her she always finds a way to get out of it: it's incredible. I hate her because she's the kind of girl who draws you to her, who can hold your head, who can flirt, who can argue, resolve and fight to see the good in people, but in me at the moment there's nothing but emptiness and I don't want her to try to fill it with her calmness like now while she's there writing in her little notebook in a remote park. It's dangerous for a girl on her own, I know St Francis, I know the area, she has walked a long way to decide to stop here. I sit on the fence and watch her write with such determination that it hurts, I'd like to know what she's thinking, I'd like to know if she's really falling in love with Max because he's doing everything, I'd like to know if she really hates me, if she has that sense of disgust when she looks at me after what I said to her at the grand prix, as I do, I'd like to know if she wonders why I'm always around her, why I took her to that place today that's my favourite and I'd like to know if I also fill her thoughts involuntarily like she does. It sounds like my own personal circle of hell: did you want charles too much? Did you want to satisfy your carnal desires without feelings? Did you want to fend for yourself? Did you want to not take sides? And here is your circle of hell, a girl, a basketball player as beautiful as her self-doubt, as special as shooting stars in winter, as sunny as to put the sun to shame and you, little charles, you can't have her because you mustn't have her, you've messed up, you've made a mistake and you have to feel that pain for a while, also because, you deserved it and you couldn't do her any good, on the contrary, you'd hurt her and how can you ruin something so beautiful and innocent just for the sake of it? But I can't even ignore her, seeing her hatred, her anger, adrenalin flowing in those green eyes is what keeps me there, always ready to challenge her because those childlike smiling eyes, her laughter are a fatal stab for someone like me who enjoys hurting something so harmless. Someone approaches her, I start walking in that direction, long, determined steps, but I have to make little noise who knows what he would do to her otherwise, he's close to her, too close, anger starts pulsing in my veins and my hands are tingling, I'd like to throw a right hook at him. They are a few steps away from her, but it is max who saves her, once again like an ever-ready lifesaver. They pull away and she hugs him, kisses him. The second phase of hell has begun. In that bathroom at the grand prix I was this close to kissing her, the urge was there, my body was begging for mercy, her every contact was like a burn, her every movement a torture and instead the only lucky one who can have her is a world champion who already has everything he wants and so does she.I walk towards the hotel and notice her little notebook still there, my yellow sweatshirt, shining in the night, she turns around, looks at me, I can't take my eyes off her, but I have to, she's not for me, she has to hate me until she can't stand my presence because I have to learn to be alone, to deserve someone before I have them. I turn the notebook over in my hands as she pulls away and clutches Max's arm like a frightened child and he will be the one to protect her tonight, to comfort her, to caress her arm and tell her that he is there for her. I, on the other hand, will only be able to satiate my curiosity knowing how much he hates me, and if he ever manages to give me a chance as a human being even though I still don't understand why my body, my heart is having these thoughts if my head feels disgust at even seeing his shadow.