If Only You Knew

THREE

Isolated (Slowed + Reverb) - Mylesxiety
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My Mom's side of the family always made Christmas feel like a massive party. So when I arrived the day of Christmas at her place, the living room had already turned into a dance floor with barely walking toddlers swarming every corner and family members sitting everywhere.  Everyone was indulging in the abundance of traditional West African stews and delicacies and the loud atmosphere became increasingly overwhelming that as soon as I arrived, I felt the need to eclipse myself. After a good hour of socializing, I went on a walk to recharge my social batteries.

My Mom had moved to the outskirts of east Toronto after the divorce to be closer to her siblings. Although I mostly lived with my dad, I visited her frequently, especially during my short stint at U of T. In the quiet of the night, I strolled towards the park I loved, nestled on the birch cliffs overlooking Lake Ontario. I settled onto a bench, knees against my chest, gazing at the dark waters. The sound of waves lapping against the shore soothed my racing thoughts and the faint ultra sound the party had given me.

Despite sharing a deep love, my Mom and I had completely different views on life, which was the source of our underlying tension. Most of our differences deepened with the divorce and when I admitted to her I wanted to study theatre. She was against it and convinced me to pursue a more practical degree instead—a choice she deemed more secure for my future. In fear of disappointing her, I went to University of Toronto and studied communications, only to drop out in the second semester.

With my Dad's support, I secretly enrolled to a drama school in London. We confronted her with my acceptance letter and that only worsened our relationship. She initially refused to contribute financially, and my Dad made it clear to me that he wouldn't be able support me on his own. Studying abroad was not cheap and their savings for my education wouldn't cover half of the expenses. My Dad and I spent a tough couple of months negociating, and my Mom eventually caved in, giving me the chance to follow my dreams.

Staring at the dark water, I realized the pressure of proving myself to my family came directly from this turning point of my life. A lot of investment and expectations had been born out my desire to chase my dreams, but was it worth it? Could my mother have been right all along? Could I have been more fulfilled had I stayed in Toronto?

The idea of a 'simple' life was enticing, and my throat tighten up all of the sudden. The cold breeze froze the trail traced by a single tear on my cheek. I gave in and let the warm tears pour out of me. Adulting was rough and nothing like what I thought it would be. The freedom of making my own choices came at a price, and it was hard to see the upside sometimes.

My phone rang loudly, interrupting my thoughts. The brightness of the screen blinded me for a few seconds. As I unlocked the screen, the reel that Chloe had shared with me played and I started laughing at the epic fail from a man raking leaves, bringing the perfect lift I needed. Once I closed our conversation, I saw Shawn's message underneath. My curiosity grew again, a part of me intrigued in what kind of man he had become. Acting on this feeling, I decided to answer the message I had ignored the night before.

It was definitely a surprise seeing you.
Coffee sounds good, does Sunday work?

I hit send and a surge of vulnerability trickled over me. Shawn had meant a lot once and I was suddenly self conscious about appearing too eager. I let the memories rush in, the view of the lake reminding me of our carefree summer days spent by the lake. We were innocent and adventurous, constantly seeking thrills. Life back then was an endless canvas of possibilities. Despite the heartbreak, Shawn and I shared many memorable moments during our teenage years. Another ding from my phone interrupted the memories, and I quickly read his response.