If Only You Knew

SEVENTEEN

After our conversation, we spent the rest of the afternoon at Shawn's place. Despite the lingering thoughts about our situation, our time was comfortable and playful. We moved to the living room, where his beautiful piano was.

- Can I play you something? he asked, his eyes lighting up.

I nodded, feeling a mixture of excitement and curiosity. Shawn sat down at the piano and began to play. The melody was familiar, it was the one he played me on our last Facetime call. As his fingers danced over the keys, I watched him immerse himself in his art.

- Isn't it the same as the one you played the other day, I said softly.
- Yeah, I have some lyrics now, he smiled.

He started singing, his voice tender and filled with emotion. I listened, captivated by the rawness and honesty in his voice. The lyrics were still rough, unfinished, but they were beautiful. He paused and looked at me, his face in a childish grin. His fingers kept playing the melody as he smiled at me.

- I'm still figuring out what I want to say in this song, he admitted, his eyes fleeing.
- Well, it sounds already great, I reassured him, feeling like my fifteen year old self supporting him.

As he continued playing, I felt a surge of emotions. The intimacy of the moment was so sweet and tender, and it was as if we were the only two people in the world. His music, his presence, everything about him was like a balm to my chaotic life.

Suddenly, my phone rang, breaking the spell and I saw it was my dad. This wasn't the moment to talk to him, I wanted to savor this break I seemed to have found from the drama. I chose to ignore the call.

- Everything okay? Shawn asked, playing still.
- It's my dad, I replied.
- Mmh... I don't know what's like to be a father. But I'm sure he was doing his best, in the only way he knew how.
- I know, I said, my voice tinged with sadness. But I'm not ready to hear that yet. Especially since my mom... I sometimes feel like it's my fault.

Shawn stepped away from the piano and sat next to me on the couch, pulling me into a tight hug.

- It's not your fault, Naomi. None of it is.

He held me close, his eyes filled with sincerity. As he stared at me with a gentle smile, I could feel the truth in his words. He leaned in, and we kissed. This time, it was different. The kiss was tender and honest, filled with unspoken words and genuine care. It was incredibly intimate, the kind of kiss shared with a partner. For a moment, a flicker of hope ignited within me. Maybe he was serious about whatever we had. Maybe there was a chance after all.

We spent some more time cuddling in front of the TV, but as it grew late, I knew I had to go. I needed to stop by a pharmacy, so we kissed goodbye, and I drove to a nearby Rexall. Walking through the aisles, I quickly found the contraceptives and paid for the pill. Once in the car, I took the pill, mentally promising myself this would be the last time I relied on emergency contraception.

Arriving at my mother's house, a strange sense of comfort washed over me. It was starting to feel like home. I spent some time cleaning and tidying up, just as my mom had always taught me. I looked through the fridge and discarded any fresh food, and sorted out what needed to be eaten soon. This soothing ritual grounded me in a way I hadn't expected. After a long, hot shower, I sat on the couch with my laptop, searching for clinics to schedule an STD test and get a contraceptive prescription. The earliest appointment was in a couple of days, and booking it felt like a small step towards regaining control over my life.

As I scrolled through my emails, my phone rang with a notification from Shawn. He had sent me a funny reel on Instagram. It was a child running around like a headless chicken, until he hit an open door and crashed. I laughed at the reel as it looped back, and this sparked a back-and-forth exchange of memes and reels with Shawn. This made my heart warm, giving me sensation that maybe, just maybe, there was a chance for us to grow into something more.