Silent

31. La Petite Maison Anglaise

June 2001

Michael walked slowly along the banks of the Seine. He looked at how the water glistened in the evening sun and smiled softly. A gust of wind caressed his face as it blew past, the sound of traffic, and distant chatter surrounded him. He watched people in the distance, a couple holding hands, walking side by side without hurry, just enjoying the warm summer evening in the city of romance.

Michael felt a tuck of loneliness in his chest. It was one of those nights that Jean was working late and he hadn't wanted to bother Eric and Paul for some company, either. He didn't have any other friends. He was an outsider looking wistfully at people his age, unsure how to approach trying to befriend someone. For how could he explain where he had come from should they ask? And how did you build a friendship on a lie? Wasn't his whole life pretending?

Seeing a small flat stone on the ground, Michael smiled and kneeled to pick it up. He stroked his finger over the smooth surface. His smile still lingering, he gazed at the water and chewed his lip before allowing the temptation to overtake. He threw it, and it bounced twice before sinking. Seeing it brought brief childish joy that passed quickly when there was no one to share the moment with. No one except the ghost of his youth, memories of childhood long passed.

He felt slightly embarrassed when an old couple walked past giving him a long look, but then the old woman smiled at him and he relaxed. Only, that smile which he hesitantly returned, brought a sudden, and intense longing for Isabella. He stood there for a moment still, gazing at the cruiser in the distance where happy people stood with friends and family and he longed, longed so much for a life so different than the one he had.

His melancholy was perhaps because of the disappointment of last weekend. Jean had taken him to the countryside to celebrate his twenty-first birthday. He had wanted to make up for the earlier, for doubting him, for hitting him; the incident that had left Michael more guarded around him.

The long weekend had started out promising, the weather couldn't have been more perfect and the bed and breakfast place Jean had booked for them was cozy and idyllic. On the first day, they dined together and took a long walk on the nearby grounds. Michael had felt at ease and happy.

Later that night, Jean had revealed his surprise; he had arranged a horse riding opportunity for him the following afternoon. Michael's heart had swelled at that. He couldn't have imagined a more perfect birthday gift! He loved horses, and it had been too many years since he had ridden. Part of him worried perhaps he had forgotten how, but still, he eagerly waited for the chance to try.

The next day at breakfast, Jean suggested a visit to the nearby wine estate before the riding. Different wines tasted in moderation could do no harm for their plans and so Michael agreed, though not very enthusiastically.

His concern proved right when Jean's tasting got out of hand and he forgot his promise. Instead of riding, they ended up in a local pub where Jean drank even more, and finally, Michael had to escort him back to their room. It had embarrassed him. He had never enjoyed wasting people's time, and if indeed Jean had scheduled something, then they had done so. There was nothing that Michael could do about it though. It would be Jean's solving the next day when they would be already heading home.

He swallowed up his disappointment and accepted Jean's full-hearted apologies like he always did. He silently accepted the promises Jean gave of making it up to him later, yet he now knew better not to expect it to happen. He had gotten used to disappointments and next to the experience with Ricky, perhaps this was the best he could expect from life. Compared, surely this birthday was a vast improvement to the ones he spent as Ricky's prisoner.