Silent

56. Nothing new under the sun.

August 2000

Jack

When the plane landed at Ontario airport on Tuesday noon, it was gray and rainy outside, much reflecting the mood Jack felt inside. He followed the other passengers out of the aircraft and into the terminal, unsure where he would go after.

Wandering the airport he found himself standing by the vast windows that overlooked where the planes were landing and thought about Michael. He thought about how he must have been on his way to Paris by then and wondered how he had felt when he had read his letter. It ached his heart, for he hated to think of him sad. Yet, it was a bittersweet certainty that Michael indeed would miss him, perhaps even shed a few tears for him. No one had ever cared for him like Michael. He had never loved anyone as strongly either. 

The pain in his chest was constant, tears burned his eyes. Jack knew he should be happy they had gotten free of the monsters but the pain of letting go of Michael took away the joy he might have otherwise felt.

 He wanted to be happy for Michael at least, and certainly did his best to focus on it. He thought about how Michael would walk the streets of Paris with Jean. He'd be wearing a beret and eating plenty of croissants, French bread with cheese, and wine because that was what people in France did. And Jean would love him, take him to the Eiffel Tower and... The pain grew stronger, oh how he wished he could have done those things with Michael but it was wrong to feel jealous. He wouldn't have been able to afford any of it and their reality would have been so much different than in these dreams. Life wasn't offering Disney Movie endings, Jack had learned that well by then.

He turned away from the window and plopped down on the lonely bench close to them. He dug out of his backpack the information Jean had given him. It was some charity-run rehab center, apparently for unfortunates like him who couldn't afford much better. Jean had also given him some money, and now he weighed on how to use it. The money could perhaps support him like a gentleman for a couple of days, but what about after that?

That rehab facility didn't really excite him. He had seen enough facilities during his young life. And the pain he felt in his chest... It was unbearable! He wanted to numb himself. Nothing mattered. Life had decided to offer mere crap for him. Thank God Michael had gotten somewhere better. That was the only thought that somehow brought comfort. 

Sweet Michael. He had at least gotten to share those small moments of happiness with him. He had gotten to know what it was like to love and be loved in return, but damn, that giving up hurt. And now, he felt like he had nothing or no one to live for or to try changing his habits for.

So why should he try to cure his addiction when he felt like he needed those moments of getting his head high and numb the pain he felt inside? Why should he want to prolong his life when it offered him so little?

Surely he could find someone in Ontario too, from whom he could get something to get his head stoned and forget? Jack looked at the paper in his hand, grimaced and crumpled it up, tossed it into the nearest trash can before getting up. Let them keep their facilities!

He started walking towards the exit, not knowing where he was going, but he had been in this situation before. Nothing new under the sun, or rather under the clouds! - He thought darkly as he came out and looked up at the sky. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath.

 There was a line of taxis in front of the airport and Jack counted his money in his mind. He could ask a taxi driver to take him somewhere... Somewhere... look for a place to stay for the night. With luck he'd manage to find someone who knew where to get the good stuff... He felt the growing need already in his body.