manuel of la brea

41

i will never let you go

I.

When I left, I’m not completely gone.
Instead in your head I created a town
with their voices can’t be turned down.
Everybody’s murmurs are profound.

You can always find me in your head,
but I’m not coming back.
I wish to stay as something
that will haunt you ‘til you stop breathing—

be it a ghost of the past
or a memory buried in your mind,
or a lingering shadow in dark,
or a lost idea of what-ifs and could’ve beens,
or a familiar cry, scream, or laugh,
or a person you once defined as love.

You will feel my presence in your arms,
but will never feel my touch.
You will feel my burden creeping,
but will never get to hold me down.

I wish to stay as a presence
you still feel so close,
but will never come close—

be it a longing for something
or a choice you made to hurt me,
or a pain that never heals,
or a sharp knife you used to me,
or a weight of mistakes you conceal.

II.

You will feel me like a sudden urge;
a primal need to quaff in Lethe.
Like an animal you cannot resist,
in the woods you’ll search for mercy.

And you will feel me every day
(in your thoughts, in your dreams),
no matter how hard you try to run,
you will always be in my reach.

Like a nightmare of a prisoner
talking to walls painted white,
with bruises and curses covered
in a cell where the past lingers.

And you will think of me every day
(in your thoughts, in your dreams),
as I will stay in your mind
with regrets painting your days.

Like a nightmare of a prisoner,
you won’t survive without me.
Only sadness, only suffering
will meet you outside this place.

III.

Even if you go,
a wall of past cannot be passed.
Without light, surrounded by smoke,
you won’t see the world
before you wake up.

Even if you run,
a wall of past cannot be passed.
Without me, you’ll burn to ashes;
you won’t see me again,
but I’ll be there in your wake

because
(in your thoughts, in your dreams)
I will never let you go.
Never.