Us: The Challenges Threaten Us

Trying and Wanting Again

*outside*

We are all sitting outside, and the boys are still playing cards as I slightly start freaking out. Try again?! What the fuck am I thinking?!! God knows that he isn't even ready to try again. Even if it's been almost a whole year almost since the miscarriage. I shoot up from Simon's lap and walk inside. I feel Simon following me while calling out to me but I'm too wrapped in my thoughts. I mean, seriously?! Try again?! I've lost it. I mean, I don't think it'd hurt to try again. That very thought makes my heart leap with joy. But still.. what if he isn't ready? I stopped walking. Tears forming in my eyes and I come back to my senses, hearing Simon and Köing calling my name. I turn around slowly and turn to them. Now seeing everyone with concerned faces.

"Mel?.. What's wrong?"

Simon asked again. I smiled under my mask as a tear slowly ran down my cheek. I looked down with only my eyes before answering them, now being a nervous nancy;

"Nothing, it's just.."

"Spit it out sis. You're worrying us.."

I chuckled a little bit before looking at Simon, my eyes locking with his soft concerned hazel eyes;

"I want to try again."

He cocked his head to the side in confusion.

"What do you mean, love? Try for what?"

I fiddle with my fingers. My nerves being really noticeable now as I take a deep breath.

"For.. a baby."

As soon as I spoke, everyone left the room. I'm grateful I didn't need to ask them. I keep eye contact with Simon and I could tell he wasn't expecting me to say that. I chuckled.

"W-why the sudden change of heart, love?"

"I want a family. That's what I'm missing. I've been searching for what was missing. It's Us. What I've been wanting since I first found out I was pregnant. Us being parents. I want to be a mother. But.. I understand if you're not ready to try again or be a father just yet. I know you weren't exactly thrilled at first when I told you about me being pregnant."

I stepped closer to him as I spoke and waited for him to process what I said. When he finally spoke, he spoke with concern and confusion. I don't blame him.

"But you just got your Commanding Officer for the Task Force. Why now?"

I looked down. My heart aches deeply at his question. He may not love me anymore after I tell him why I want out of the military.

"I want out."

"What do you mean?.. Out of the military?"

I couldn't dare to look up at him. I was once a very respected soldier. Now, I'm just like every other basic woman out there. A basic woman who wants kids and maybe.. even a husband. But I hope it's him who's my husband in the future. I finally answered him after running through my thoughts.

"I want kids Simon. The.. military life isn't for me anymore. Me becoming pregnant made me realize how much I've been wanting a family. But I understand if you're not ready to become a father just yet. I know you weren't exactly thrilled previously."