Why... (voltron angst)

love and loss. pt2

tw: unrequited love

The boys pulled up to Lance's house and went inside, grabbing a snack before heading to Lance's room. "So, why are you so stressed?" Lance asked, opening a bag of chips. "Finals, man." Keith said, flopping onto lances bed, "I'm scared I'll fail and have to retake physiology." It was true, but it wasn't the exact reason he was so stressed. But of course, he can't just flat out say, "I'm stressed out because I'm in love with you and ill never be able to tell you how I feel!"

That would be crazy, right?

"Sorry, what was that?" Lance asked, spinning around in his chair to face Keith's direction. "What?" Keith's heart dropped. "No fucking way i said that out loud," he thought to himself. "What did you say? I didn't hear you over my loud ass chewing," he laughed. "Oh," Keith felt an immediate sense of relief, "said that my teacher for physiology sucks ass." "Iverson?" "Yep," "Iverson's a bitch, ignore him." Keith nodded, "I try." Lance rolled up the chips, "Movie?" "Yeah, you pick." "Let's watch this," Lance said, scrolling through Netflix, picking a random movie. 

Lance sat next to Keith on the bed while they watch the movie. Despite the AC making the room cold, Keith felt hot. "That was a good movie," Lance commented, flipping his pillow to the cold side, "what next?" Keith felt his face flush red and tried to hide it by rubbing his face, "anything's fine. I'm gonna do some work for my creative writing class." he lied. Lance nodded, not commenting on Keith's blush, "I'm turning on my show, if that's fine." Keith gave a thumbs up and moved himself to Lance's desk, pulling out his notebook. 

/////////

god damnit, Lance. every single time i think i just want to be your friend you do something else that makes fall harder. i can't fucking stand it. maybe i should just tell you? no, that's a terrible idea. i love being your friend so i can't risk losing that, but oh god. 

i think ive fallen to hard. i can't lie to myself anymore, im so in love with you. it feels so nice to write that down; to admit it. but only on paper, never to your face. 

we've sat on your bed together hundreds of times, why is today suddenly so different? i don't like that i can't control how i feel about you, and its sick. do you always have to be so nice to me? do you like me the way i like you? do you want to hold me the way i so desperately want to be held by you? god, im so cringey, but its so true. 

sometimes i catch myself thinking about you and i cringe. because how could i have fallen so hard in love that the mere thought of you hugging me in more than a friend way makes me have literal heart eyes? i feel like a middle school girl talking about her first boyfriend, the only difference being that I'm a boy and you aren't my boyfriend. 

not being able to tell you how i feel sucks, you know.

/////////

Keith fell asleep at Lance's desk while writing. Lance heard the soft snores and rolled his eyes playfully. "Wearing himself out with all that studying," he thought, "hope he's getting enough sleep." He got up and put a blanket around Keith. Smiling at his friend, he noticed the notebook left open; open to the page he was curious about before. He decided a quick peek at what Keith had written about him wouldn't hurt anything, but he was so wrong.

He read everything Keith wrote about him. How Keith had fallen in love with him, how he admired him, how long he'd felt like that, everything. Lance felt conflicted and just put the notebook back where it was. "This is why he freaked out earlier," he sat on his bed, "what the hell do I do?" He looked at Keith, still asleep on his desk. He sighed and pressed play on his show.

About an hour later Keith picked his head up off the desk and stretched, "Morning, sleeping beauty!" Lance joked. "Bro, fuck off," Keith mumbled, rubbing his eyes. Once fully awake, he noticed the notebook still opened and he shut it and shoved it in his bag, "when did i get a blanket?" "I covered you up after you fell asleep," Lance answered. "Thoughtful," Keith snorted, checking his phone for the time, "I'm gonna get going. It's already 6:30 and I've got more studying to do." Keith stood. "Right," Lance had a look on his face, but Keith wasn't sure what it was. "Hey, what's wrong?" He asked, grabbing his bag and jacket. Lance shook his head, "Nothing, just a lot on my mind," he rubbed the back of his neck, "I don't wanna talk about it." "Oh, okay. Well, I'm here when you want to," he made his way to the door, "text me if you need anything." Lance didn't reply and Keith took his leave.

As he walked home he couldn't help but think of Lance's strange behavior. "Was it something I did?" he wondered. He pulled out his phone and texted lance.

KEITH

hey, how you feeling?

LANCE

fine

KEITH

:(
are you upset with me?

LANCE

i said i didnt wanna talk abt it

drop it

KEITH

sorry

Keith shoved his phone back in his pocket. He went home and locked himself in his room and then it hit him; Lance must have seen what he'd written. His heart dropped and suddenly he was crying. He sat against the wall and tried to calm himself down; tears still fell, and his heart still hurt no matter what he tried, and he decided to just ask.

KEITH

you saw it, didnt you

LANCE

yeah, i did

Keith felt terrible; anxious, sad, and frustrated all at once and he didn't fucking like it. There was this terrible sinking feeling in his stomach, and he felt dizzy from how anxious he was. Then his phone buzzed. 

LANCE

im sorry but i dont like you like that man. youre a wonderful guy, you really are, but im just not into you
i love being around you and everything like you're a fun guy, it's just that i dont swing that way. i know that wont take your feelings away or anything, but its nice to get closure, right?
um anyway im flattered and im sorry i was such as ass about it earlier, but i dont feel the same way, keith
id still love to be your friend tho

Keith powered his phone off and sat against the wall for a while longer before getting in his bed and falling asleep. He didn't go to school the next day or the next or the next and after a week had passed, Lance started getting worried. He called and texted Keith multiple times and there was never a call or text back. So, he made the decision to drop by Keith's apartment.