If I Matter To You

White Space

TW!! Mentions/depictions of self harm, suicidal idealization

I felt good.

When there was nothing around me.

"WHY CAN'T YOU EVER BECOME LIKE YOUR BROTHER?? GOOD FOR NOTHING FUCKING STUPID BITCH" 

I don't remember exactly when it all started.

It was so good back then...

I was so naive and young,

I was too innocent.

I wish my dad stayed the same.

"PLEASE DON'T-"

"IT'S ALWAYS BEEN YOUR FAULT, WHY DID I EVEN GET MARRIED TO YOU? CAN'T EVEN MAKE ANYTHING RIGHT!!!"

I wish I hadn't grown so much older in such less time.

I loved my brother.

I loved him so much...

But why didn't he ever do anything for me?

Why would he just stand there and not help me, he knew he was mom's favorite.

Was he scared?

I wouldn't be.

I would have stood up...

or maybe he didn't notice?

He always seemed to never notice, almost as though he never understood why it would be wrong,

why I would get harassed every day for doing nothing,

but he would be supported and loved...

I wanted to play the violin too, you know?

I wanted to join a martial arts...

I wanted to make that many friends in middle school,

I wanted that life,

I wanted to be a boy

I wanted to be him.

Why did mom hit my jaw,

and blamed it on me,

the counter covered in blood,

my teeth crooked in the center.

I was just 6 you know?

It was 'just stress,'

but you had known too well

to play me,

gaslighted me into believing it was my mistake?

Sunoo never helped,

yeah he would back them up,

I had no one.

I had a 'mental illness' 

as they had called it.

I graduated top of my class

I became tutoring director,

Star track player...

so why?

I still loved them, you know.

It's my fault, I said.

I hit myself on the head repeatedly,

until the pain felt just right,

until I deserved enough punishment 

for my own wrongdoings, it was my fault.

so, I have no one then.

(A/N: sorry if this chapter was too much guys!! I just wanted to add some lore for Minji)