Sin & Salvation

Chapter 10

We're both staring at each other for what feels like an eternity before he finally speaks. I forgot the lock for this bathroom doesn't work after Brett forced the door open during an argument two weeks ago.

I quickly remove my hand from my mouth and look into the toilet unsure of what he's about to do or say.

"Shit, I am so sorry, I didn't realize you were in here. Brett said you'd be using the one downstairs so he sent me up here. And the door was unlocked so I just assumed—" He stops short and makes a move to leave obviously sensing the awkwardness.

The door begins to close, but seeing as he walked in on me kneeling in front of the toilet with tears in my eyes and two fingers down my throat, he stops.

"Are you okay? Were you sick?" He slowly approaches and I don't miss him briefly scanning the toilet, presumably to see if I had thrown up.

"No, I-I'm fine, I just needed a minute. Really, you can go, I'm fine."

"You don't look it. Why are you kneeling in front of the toilet trying to make yourself sick if you're fi—" Silas stops mid-sentence and slowly covers his hand with his mouth. "You're not... you're not right? Cora, tell me that's not what I just walked in on. Please."

I want to tell him no. I want to tell him that I just wasn't feeling well and that he can leave and pretend this didn't happen. But I can't, and the tears start pouring out. I bury my face in my hands to hide the absolute shame I feel right now. In all the years of my struggle with this disease, nobody has ever caught me doing it and I suddenly feel so ashamed of myself for almost relapsing.

The voice creeps in again.

You're fucking disgusting Cora, what is wrong with you?

The sound of his footsteps coming closer causes my body to tense up in anticipation. I recoil when one of his hands gently strokes my back, but he allows me a second to get used to the contact before continuing. The tenderness in his touch surprises me.

I sit there on the cold floor for what feels like forever. I'm honestly content with just sitting here for the rest of the night, but it's quickly ruined when both of his hands lift under my armpits and help me stand on shaky knees. Making eye contact with him seems impossible right now, so I look down at the floor and notice how large his feet look next to mine. A vulgar and very intrusive thought arises at the thought of his large feet that I swiftly move to push down.

Please don't think about this man's dick while he's trying to help you Cora.

"Look at me," he demands softly.

I still can't bring myself to meet his gaze, to see the disgust and disappointment in his eyes. I've already dealt with enough from him today that he doesn't deserve to see anymore tears, even if he is trying to comfort me right now.

"I won't ask you again Cora, look at me."

The dominance in his voice excites me and scares me in ways I can't explain. But when I don't immediately obey, his fingers push under my chin just enough to make me look up. I'm surprised when I don't see the negativity and judgment in his eyes like I was expecting. Instead, I see sadness and compassion.

"I know we haven't exactly gotten off on the right foot— like at all. I hurt you today and for that I'm sorry," he pauses before continuing, "But I won't apologize for being right. You really are a little imposter." He smirks and tilts his head slightly, as if enamored by me. "And quite a good one at that. You're hiding yourself from everyone, Cora. Why?"

I sigh before replying, "Nothing I say to you is going to be good enough. I'm not an imposter. There's just things I don't necessarily talk to certain people about, things that aren't important. Everyone has their own secrets and if that makes me an "imposter", then so be it."