Sin & Salvation

Chapter 17

Pulling into the driveway, I can barely see where I'm going as the tears I've managed to hold back begin pouring out, seeing the house I share with Brett come into view. How could I even do this to him? I press the garage door opener and hope that Brett's car will be in there already, but I'm sadly disappointed. I drove around before coming home wondering how I would face Brett.

It's almost 10 now and it's unlike him to be this late on a weeknight. He clearly wasn't at the office, and even though I weirdly believed Silas when he said he didn't know anything, it felt like he was trying to imply something. Either he really doesn't know or he's too afraid to tell me something that might hurt me and end up being wrong.

Getting out of my car, I close the garage door and go inside. The lingering smell of food makes my stomach turn, reminding me of where it is now and what happened there. There's dishes to clean in the sink and even though I know Brett will be pissed, I also can't give a fuck right now. He's not even here, so if he gets mad, I'll say I didn't feel good and went to bed.

My feet drag up the stairs and guilt eats away at me when I open the door to our bedroom. It smells like Brett, causing me to drop to the floor, unable to hold myself up any longer. I cover my face, sobbing so hard that it burns my throat.

In less than a second, I managed to do something so horrendous that it could ruin so many things, including my future marriage. Brett does everything he can to take care of me and I repaid him by kissing someone who he's grown close with and really trusts. Even if he is cheating on me, I would never stoop down to that level. That's not how I was raised and it's not the way I live my life. I'm so disgusted with myself.

I don't deserve to be happy— I don't deserve anything.

I search for anything to comfort me, to ease the pain in my chest, but my mind keeps going to Silas, the one person who's done the opposite of comfort me. He's pushed me so far out of my comfort zone that I should want to avoid him at all costs. But something about the way he sees past all the bullshit, the facade I put on for everyone, makes me wonder if I'm truly scared of him, or that someone is finally breaking through it all, revealing me.

After a few minutes, I wipe the tears from my eyes, getting makeup and mascara on the back of my hand. "Nice," I mumble to myself, wiping it off on my jeans.

I know I probably look like a raccoon now, but the thought makes me giggle, so I wipe my eyes again, smearing more mascara on my face and hands. Finding enjoyment in this has me wondering if I've officially lost it. This goes on for a minute until I think I hear Brett's car, so I quickly stop, realizing that he'd probably be annoyed that I'm acting like a child right now, wiping my makeup off. Or yell at me that it's going to get on the carpet..

For the second time tonight, I decide to say fuck it and not care what Brett has to think or say. It's makeup, who cares. It's not like he can't get somebody to clean it up or just replace the entire carpet by tomorrow afternoon. He just likes to know he has control over me and for once, I'm not giving it to him.

But the car passes and I realize it's not him. Deciding that I'm acting delusional and am probably sleep-deprived, I push myself off the carpet and walk to the bathroom. Turning the lights on, I don't recognize the girl looking back at me in the mirror.

My hair is still disheveled from where Silas ran his fingers through it and my mascara is all over my eyes and running down my face. I look like a hot mess— and I can't help but wonder what Brett would say right now if he saw me.

"Clean yourself up, you look ridiculous."

"What are you, a child? Wipe the makeup off and get in bed."