A Mad Woman, Allison.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: APOLOGY

I found him standing there alone. I was chasing my breath.

“There were rumours about us now, what should we do? This is so wrong, Ryan!” I exclaimed. He went to check if the door is locked.

He then reached to hold me. “Alli, calm down. We don't need to hide it anymore,” he let out. “Nahihirapan na rin ako sa pagtatago pa. I can't even hold your hand in front of everyone. Hindi kita maangkin nang lantaran dahil sa pagtatago natin.”

“Really? That's all you think? I'm also involved here, Ryan! How can you just think for yourself like that?” He's unbelievable.

“Hindi sarili ko lang ang iniisip ko rito, Alli. This is for both of us. And I just want to be with you right now.” I get his point but right now this is out of hand. They're talking about us anywhere in everywhere I go. “Ayusin natin 'to. Pakakasalan kita kung gusto mo. After you graduate. You don't have to live in fear anymore. We don't have to live in fear anymore,” he announced.

“Ryan, do you even hear what you're saying? That's insane! You'll marry me for what? Because people found us out? What about my passion? Your work here? Besides, it's only been two years since you started being a teacher here!” I pointed out. “People will surely judge!” I hung back for a while. “Later on they'll call me a hoe. That I have just been linked with one of my classmates and now I'm hooking up with you who's my professor!”

“Wala akong pakialam sa sasabihin ng iba, Alli! How sure are you na puro negative ang matatanggap natin because of what we have? Isa pa, mahal kita at handa akong maging responsibilidad na panindigan ka whether you believe me or not,” he answered with full of assurance in his voice.

“That's just the same thing as like you've made me pregnant! You are my fucking mentor, for God's sake! Do you think this is the best way? No! Because in the end, ako't ako lang din naman ang mahihirapan!” He's so selfish right now. In the game we both played, I knew I was the only one who was going to lose. “And do you think I'll believe you? I'm not that dumb! You already dropped me two times before this and it's not hard for you to do it again! Why are you so goddamn good with words? Remember how you also did that when I was 14? God, I was just 14! And I never wanted any of the things that have happened between you and me! I just wanted to live my life. To be who I am. But we've crossed paths. I never wanted to catch everyone's eyes but everybody confessed I was beautiful. Too beautiful I also caught your attention. Too beautiful I felt like I was a mere decoration. You knew damn well what you were doing because you're 18. It felt so good I considered you as my older brother but you said I've become your favourite among all the people that have come into your life. You made me feel loved again only to just leave me in the end. I never wished any of that to happen. I was minding my own business. Then I found out you came back... but not for me but for your ex,” I narrated.

“Magkaibigan lang kami, Alli,” he contradicted.

“You still came back to her! You didn't even give me an explanation or apologized. If I haven't found out that I wouldn't know! When things get bad you wouldn't hesitate to drop me off. Because who even am I to you? Nothing but a girl you found beautiful and then told yourself you're already in love with me,” I continued. “But what else is there? I just wanted to be free... To live. To be a normal person. To be human. To be just myself with all my flaws and bad sides.” My heart was so full of emotions right now. I don't know what to feel anymore.

“You know I still loved you at your worst.”

“Loved me at my worst? You left me when I showed you my worst! You're only saying you love me but I don't feel it enough,” I informed him. “Just because you love me doesn't mean I feel loved by you. If I were not the same person, if I were not Ellaine that you left when she was fifteen, you wouldn't even tell me that because you just loved me when you realized I was your loss! If Ellaine and I were not the same person, I bet you'd love her less or not even love her at all. That's all she was to you. And because Ellaine was once a part of me too, that's all I was to you.” My words were hurting my chest. I still recall how I was treated by him before. When we were younger.