You Frustrate Me Incredibly

He can't do anything if he's dead

I'm sitting at the bench right outside the room. 'Edge of Seventeen' playing on my Walkman. I like the mood of this song. I don't know how to describe it, but I like how it makes me feel. But it doesn't make me forget. It's been a couple of weeks since everything. I just wish I could know when he will wake up. He will. I know he will. Max did. So will he.

I'm really glad Max is okay. She's still on bed rest and probably gonna be for a while, but she's out of the coma. Lucas is just over the moon. The smile on his face when he saw her awake was heartwarming. And I don't think Max is gonna hide anymore. I'm glad.

I'm so happy she's okay.....and I can't even fucking act like it. I'm grateful that she's okay, but I still feel like I have to force a smile on my face. And then I feel guilty about it. I can't help it. I still feel that pain in my chest. That hollow feeling. Because just a few metres further, he's still...there.

I build up my courage and get up to go inside. How I have to do that every time. I step in and go sit on the chair next to the bed.

"Hey there", every time I expect a response

I hold his hand looking at his expressionless face.

"Honestly, this must be the only time since I've known you that you seem dull", I say "I bet that it's not the same in your head, though. I heard that when you're in a coma you see lots of dreams", I blurt out randomly "I wonder what you could be seeing. Maybe some kind of concert. That you're, like, a famous band or something. I wonder if...maybe you see me"

I glance on the counter next to me to see the letter that I left. I look back at him.

"I'm guessing you didn't read it", I say trying to lighten the mood as if he can hear me "You will though. Just a bit more patience", I feel the hurt in my voice

I want to convince myself. To give myself hope, but truth is, I'm a realist. I always think of the worst case scenario. Every time it enters my mind I want to push it in the back of my head as further back as possible. But it creeps back up every time.

...

"Getting better?", I ask her as Dustin puts the empty cup of pudding aside

"Yeah, except that I still need an extra hand to eat a cup of pudding", she says with sarcasm in her voice

"That's what friends are for", Dustin says with a goofy smile and Max smiles back

"Excuse me", a voice calls out and we turn our heads "If you could get out for a moment. we need to check her up", a nurse says walking into the room

"Oh, yeah, of course", I say shooting out of my chair

"We'll be right back", Dustin tells Max as he follows me out

As I step out I see Steve coming up the stairs

"So, how is she doing?", Steve asks rushing towards from the staircase

"She really is better", Dustin responds with a smile

"She'll be back on her feet in no time. You'll see", I say giving him a stroke on the shoulder

For a moment I catch Dustin looking at Eddie's room and his face falls for a second

"Imma go get a snack. You want anything?", he asks shaking his head snapping out of it

"No, I'm good", Steve shoots out and Dustin looks at me too

I shake my head no and he nods walking away. I flop down on the seat next to Steve and grab my headhpones out of my bag.

"Y/N", he blurts out and I turn to him putting the headphones around my neck

"What?" I shoot my eyes at him and he looks at meseriously

He's gonna say something heavy, I can feel it.

"You know you don't have to put on a brave face for anyone, right?"

I shoot him a look as if taken aback by the question "Yeah, of course"

"Y/N", he looks at me clearly not convinced

"Steve, I really don't want t-",

"Y/N, please", he shoots out cutting me off "You can't just keep acting like you're fine. It's not healthy", he says with concern "I'm worried"

I don't say anything. I just sigh and look down at my hands as a fidget with them.

"Okay, have you thought about", he throws his head back thinking "the school counselor"

I instantly give him a sarcastic look "Yeah, I think we have enough proof that her sessions are not really affective"

"Fair point", he agrees in defeat "Then talk to me", he turns himself facing me

I feel my throat start to close up trying to choke up the tears I feel coming

"I can't", I say under my breath

"Why?", he asks

I don't wanna say it

"Why n-"

"Because if I do, I have to face everything", I cut him off raising my voice slightly "I can't face everything. Every possibility. Every scenario. I just can't", I feel the tears start to fill my eyes "I can't face the fact that....that he might not...", I cover my face

"Hey, hey. Don't think like that"

"It's not a fucking switch, Steve. I can't just turn off my thoughts", I shoot back at him and rub my forehead in frustration "You were right", I throw my arms in the air "Seize the moment cause you never know what's gonna happen"

"Com' on, that's not fair. You couldn't have seen this coming"

"Yeah, except I could've", I blurt out

He looks at me suspiciously

"What do you mean?"

I sigh realising that I have to say it. I have to get it out.

"When we were getting out of the Upside Down", I start the story and he settles in his seat "When Vecna got me, I told you guys that he didn't tell me anything", he stays silent listening in "He did. He told me...", I hesitate as I can't bare to bring myself back to that horrific moment "He told me that...there would be a lot of loss on my part", his expression changes in a look that basically says 'bullshit'

"No no, Y/N, that doesn't matter now", he looks me in the eye "That was before he was dead, okay?"

"We don't even know how this bastard works. How do we know that it doesn't matter?"

"Because we do", he says trying to reassure me "He's done for. He can't do anything if he's dead"

I sigh

"I really wanna believe you", I say calming down a bit

"You will. I promise", he says glancing at Eddie's room

I look at him and form a small smile

"Thanks for the talk", I say and he gives me a squeeze on the shoulder

"Anytime".