You Frustrate Me Incredibly

The letter

I look down at the food in my tray. I'm not even hungry, why did I get it? The situation in the school has improved. People don't bother me as much. Jason has gotten off my back ever since I told him off and since everyone in the basketball team follow whatever he does, they've laid off of me.

Everything seems just a bit more normal. Except for the Hellfire table. There's not the usual fuss that used to echo from their table. It's a lot more quiet. Usually I like quiet. And now I fucking don't. Fuck this.

I shoot out of my seat leaving the tray on the table and I head out the door. I make my way to the back of the school and to the field so no one sees me go in the woods. I just wanna take a walk. Clear my head.

I put on my headphones and resume the tape. Fleetwood Mac's 'The Chain' starts to play and I walk as I let the music fill my ears. There's something about this song that comforts me right now. It's not even the lyrics, just the melody. It has a certain flow. I don't know how to describe it exactly. It makes me feel at ease. Like nothing else matters for a moment. Or it would, without that one certain though that's always in the back of my fucking head.

"Aaahhh! For fuck's sake!", I grunt out annoyed with myself. I take off my headphones in frustration.

And suddenly my eyes fall on the bench. The dealing bench. As I freeze to the sight I begin to break down. I approach the bench and sit down burring my face I to my hands.

Why can't I just stop thinking? Why do I have to make everything so complicated? Why do I have to upset myself?

I'm hopeless. All these intrusive thoughts drive me insane. Hell, even in a coma he has a way to drive me insane. Damn it. Why did I have to feel it then? So that now it hurts much fucking more? It feels like this was arranged to make me feel as shitty as possible. As heartbroken. And I get that my friends care. That they wanna help. They may even understand how I feel. But they can't help me. As much as I wish they could, they can't.

...

Steve and Robin are in the back cleaning up. It's the Friday shift so we need to stay late and close up the store. Actually only one of us needs to but we always take advantage of the time to watch a movie. I'm just sorting out the tapes on the shelves with my headphones on. As I hear 'The Trooper' start playing in my ears a small smile forms on my lips. I love this song. Has a lot of energy to it. It kinda gives some. I walk to the rhythm of the song tapping my fingers on my on my legs to match the drums in the song.

"Y/N", I hear a muffled voice over the music in my ears and I take them of turning around

"You done?", Robin asks as she wipes the counter

"Just, yeah", I say putting up the last tape and I turn to go behind the counter too

"So, can we pop in a movie?", she asks

"Sure, go ahead"

I shoot my head up in realisation. I had gotten a film to watch at home. I forgot to bring it back. Is it in my bag? Oh please be in the bag. I shuffle through my things in my bag searching for the tape. Damn it, it's not here.

But something else is. The letter. I take it out of my bag. It's still intact. Unread

"Y/N!", Robin snaps me out of my thoughts

"Yeah?", I shake it off and turn to her

"You okay? You zoned out", she says and her eyes fall on the envelope in my hands "What's that?", she asks as Steve walks up behind the counter and he looks at me in question too

"Uh, nothing", I shake my head

"Doesn't seem like nothing", Steve comments

I sigh deeply. I really don't want to hold it back.

"It's uh", I hesitate "it's kinda stupid", I put the paper on the counter "I wrote a letter for...uhm...Eddie", I look at them as both their gazes suddenly soften "I don't know why. It just felt more right to write everything down. What I wanna say, I mean"

"No, no, that's great", Robin blurts out "It's a great coping mechanism, actually. Isn't it?", she glances at Steve in doubt

"Yeah, yeah. I think I heard about it...somewhere", Steve says clearly making it up

"It's okay guys. You don't have to humor me", I pause glancing at the letter "I just...", they look at the ground "I can't bring myself to leave it there. At the hospital", one of my thoughts slipped out. Damn it.

"What do you mean?", Robin asks now invested

"Nothing. I shouln't have said that", I go to step out of the conversation

"No. Y/N, please just talk to us", Steve says in a firm voice

I let out a deep sigh

"I feel like it's stupid to leave it there. Like it's pointless", I look at them as they've turned dead serious

"Y/N", Robin says with sympathy in her voice

"And now I bumped you out", I say in guilt

"Y/N, we're your friends", Steve shoots out

"We want to help you", Robin adds

"Okay", I nod "Then distract me"

They both look at me hesitantly

"Please, just put on a movie", I say in desperation

"Is that gonna help", Robin asks

"Yeah", I say with a sigh and I form a small smile "Cause I'm with you guys"

They both smile at me

"Okay", Robin shoots out of her seat "How 'bout one of your favourites", she goes to one of the isles and grabs a tapes waving it around "'Darling'?"

It's one of my all time favourite movies. But the title. Now it triggers something in me. I shouldn't take it that way. Just watch the movie.

"Sure", I say and she rushes over excited putting the tape in.

Just watch the movie. But I'm still holding the letter in my hand. I don't even need to check it. I remember exactly what I wrote.

Word by word.

~

Hey,

Looks like we both got some rest. I'm guessing you more than me. I don't know when or if you're reading this. It's not even really logical for me to be writing this, but I feel like I need to. So...you and I. We hated eachother. At least I think I did and I think you did too. I know that you bugged the hell out of me. But, if I'm being honest, our annoying interactions were kinda the highlight of my day. Yes, you drove me insane. You annoyed me. But the thing is that I let you. I cared enough to let you bother me. Maybe, there was more to it and I just didn't wanna see it. I don't know. But what I do know is...that I fucking miss you now. What happened those days changed everything for me. And I know it did the same for you. You really messed me up, you know. In both a bad and a good way. Now, I wish I had listened to Dustin when he would tell me that you weren't all that bad. Maybe things would be different now. Maybe you would have stayed or maybe we would've had more time. Maybe I would be watching you play right now, or we would be on that date we talked about. Now I just hope that you are reading this and we do have time. To start over. That's all I want from you. Cause you, idiot, are important to me now. So you better wake up. Go ahead and feel superior, you did the impossible. You, Eddie Munson, made me care about you. And that still frustrates me. You still frustrate me. You frustrate me incredibly, Eddie.

Y/N.

~

I place the letter on the counter so as to not think about it anymore. I've missed like the first 7 minutes of the movie wondering off. Just watch the movie. I need to take my mind off just for now.