𝖢𝗁𝖺𝗌𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖲𝗍𝖺𝗋𝗌 || 𝖣𝖺𝗇𝖼𝖾 𝖬𝗈𝗆𝗌

Another One Bites The Dust

"And I know, maybe I shouldn't have talked back, but I was getting tired of the same thing happening over and over again." After a small break, I was right back to talk.

Ava was already taken to bed and Giselle was fighting against her yawns, but I was decided that nothing was going to get past tonight. I would tell them everything once and for all.

"So it wasn't only Abby, but Evelyn was also doing it to me-- and I was so terrified at that point that I didn't even try defending myself against them. I just let it happen. Then, I-I found out that-- Gianna-- she knew about the voicemail being fake." I looked directly at Giselle. "Because she was the one who gave it to the producers to edit."

This time, she didn't speak up, but she looked sick to her stomach. She was both terrified and disgusted, but most of all, she felt guilty, and even though I wanted to tell her that it wasn't her fault, it partly was. She treated me horribly when I came back along with Kendall. I thought she deserved to feel bad, at least for a little bit

"Then I found out that they had been using me the whole time and forcing me to side with them by giving me the opportunities-- I didn't get the video or the magazine, or anything else. They rigged it so I could get it, but I knew about the TV role. I was told, like, three weeks prior they told everyone else to audition for it." I had run out of tears, but the wish to keep crying was big. "They always set me up against Maddie just because they thought I wasn't good enough-- only because Maddie beat me once when we were six. I was the best before-- but not anymore." I choked up again. "After she told me everything, I felt a little confident to tell people about it, but she grabbed me again, like Evelyn. She pulled me by my hair and then dug the nails again. They left marks for a couple of days. She pushed me down to the floor and grabbed my chin. She said, "they're not going to believe you, so why would you even try?" and I thought she was right."

One last time.

"That's why I wanted to go to the studio every day during the break from filming. I had to. She kept hurting me, but I wanted to please her. I knew it was wrong, but I didn't feel there was a way out. Maddie knew about everything, but I made her promise, and I didn't even talk to her anymore, so it wasn't like she'd tell everyone. I knew that Abby would be even worse if she knew I told someone about it, but the night before it happened, I had a nightmare because of the group dance and I had a panic attack in my room. Then I heard Giselle scream and I got even more scared, but I hoped everything would calm down." I was starting to speak quicker like I was running out of breath. "I was rehearsing my duet with Maddie but I couldn't focus anymore. Abby started to yell, and I knew that if Maddie wasn't there, she would have pulled my hair again and called me names like she always did-- I got back to the den but it was too late. I-I started hyperventilating and I couldn't focus. I snapped at Maddie and I heard Kenzie and Jayden screaming for you to come-- and I remembered everything. It was everything. I realized how fucked up I actually was. My life was a living hell and I couldn't do anything, so I ran, and I screamed, but then everything was turning black and I was getting tired-- I thought I was going to die."

I took a deep breath.

"But I didn't and all the moms were there. I figured Maddie told them, so I went to find her. I knew it because I jokingly told her one night that if she saw me have another panic attack, then she could tell everyone about it, but I didn't plan for it to ever actually happen." I sobbed. "But I'm okay now. I feel better. I'm not going to keep anything secret anymore-- I swear, but there was something else that happened during that-- something I thought about only like three times."

"What?" My brother asked.

I looked down at the floor in shame but also felt grateful that I had moved on from those thoughts.