Another way (Young Royals)

Anxiety

After Simon won the first heat and went straight to the final, things had been a bit crazy at school. Everyone looked our way. No, everyone stared. More than usual. They were whispering about his chances to win it all and go to Eurovision. I knew he could. But I was a bit anxious about it. I had not spoken about it with Simon. He was so happy about winning the first heat and going straight to the final, and I did not want to spoil that for him. So I had put up a happy facade, even though my anxiety was worse than it had been for a long time. A lot had just been going on in my life, I guessed. But I did not want to worry people, and especially not Simon who had an important performance to prepare. I did not know why Simon's success in the competition made me so anxious. It should not. It was his dream, so it should be my dream to do whatever I could to help him make it happen. But I could not make myself less anxious about it. Simon was in the library, catching up on some schoolwork. I tended to be more of a distraction, so I was in our dorm in the meantime. I pulled out my phone from my jeans pocket. I called Erik. I knew I could talk to him. He would not judge. And he was not sensitive to what I was feeling. It did not impact him, as it would impact Simon.

"Hi baby brother," I heard Erik say. His words were still slurred and slow after his accident. It was calming to hear his voice.

"Hi Erik," I replied.

"What's up?" Erik asked. He had some kind of gut that told him when things were not good. He had always sensed it. "Trouble in paradise?" I sighed.

"I am just feeling anxious," I said. I felt a tear find its way down my cheek.

"About Simon?" he asked. I gulped. Tried to swallow any more tears. I hated to cry. It made me feel so little. Weak.

"Yeah. Kind of," I said.

"What makes you anxious?" he asked.

"I don't know," I replied. I let my hand move in circles on my chest.

"I think you do," Erik said. "Is it the attention that overwhelms you?" I looked out through the window.

"Maybe. It has been a bit much recently," I said.

"So that is not all?" he asked.

"I am afraid to lose him, I guess," I said. That was the horrible truth. I had anxiety, because I could not even handle the thought of us apart. I knew he loved me. I did not doubt that. But was love enough? Was our love strong enough for his musical career?

"Talk to him, Wille. He is crazy about you and he just wants you to be happy. I am sure of it," he said.

"But he is so happy right now. I don't want to ruin it for him," I said. I turned around and saw Simon standing in the doorway.

"What do you not want to tell me, Wille?" he asked. He had tears in the corners of his eyes. I knew he was disappointed. "Don't you understand that I care about you more than anything else?"

"Talk to him, Wille," Erik said and hung up. Simon came inside. Sat down on the bedside.

"Please, Wille. Tell me what's wrong," he said in a pleading voice.

"I have anxiety. It is worse than it has been for a while," I said. Simon climbed up next to me in the bed. Wrapped his arm around me. I cried. "But you are so happy. You should be happy. And I don't want to ruin that for you." Simon sighed. I knew he was disappointed. That he could not have this happy time in his life. Not without me ruining it.

"You silly. You are not ruining anything," he said. "If you have anxiety I need you to tell me, so that I can help you." I did not want to be a burden for him. If he just had a boyfriend who did not get anxious over anything, he would have been happier. I was pretty sure.

"You should prepare and focus on your performance right now. Not worry about me," I said. He had spent a lot of his free time practising for the performance. I barely saw him outside of school anymore. But it was just for now. It would not be forever. That made him give me an eye.

"Are you mad?" he asked. "I am not going anywhere right now." He threw the duvet over us and cozied up closer to me. I felt his lips kiss lightly on my neck. His nose inhaled my scent.

"So tell me. Is there anything in particular that makes you anxious? Can I do anything to help?" he asked me.

"It is overwhelming with all of the attention, Simon," I said. I hated the attention when I was a prince. It was the worst part of it all. I had been in the media even before I was born. There had been paparazzi on my first day of school when I was only seven years old. And some more media when I transferred to Hillerska against my wishes. And people loved speculating about me and Simon. And we could not walk anywhere without people taking pictures of us. It made me feel uncomfortable. I felt like I could not kiss him or hold his hand without being monitored. But either way, I would never want to stand in the way of Simon's big dream. This. A musical career. "And I guess I am afraid to lose you. I guess my childhood made me afraid to lose people I love. Mom and dad were rarely home or had time for me. And I guess that messed me up." Simon looked at me with big eyes. His fingers were playing with my hair.
"Wille, I don't know how many times I will have to tell you that I love you, but I will keep telling you until you believe me. I won't leave you behind. I promise you," he said. "And it is okay. I understand you had a weird childhood. It left traces. And I love you, messed up or not. I have been messed up too." Simon's father had messed up his family quite a bit. I knew that. And it left traces in his life, I could just imagine. What it did to come home to a drunken father who looked dead when you were just a kid. What it did to you to have to care for your own parents. Be the last one to not give up hope, even when you knew hope was running low from the start. Simon's father never got better, but I knew he had promised both Simon and Sara that he would.

"I love you too, Simon. And I am so sorry. I am sorry I am like this," I said. We were both crying.

"Don't apologise," he replied. "Don't ever apologise for feeling like you do. You are allowed to not be okay with me. Okay?"

"Okay," I replied.