Felicity Reviews

Review by El: This I'll Never Tell 📗

Reviewer: El (footnoteofhappiness)

Requester: This I'll Never Tell by allonsy_sherlockians  :)

Summary - 5/5

It was short but captivating. It gave just enough information to know what the story would entail without giving it away while intriguing me to read it and learn more. I was actually quite excited to start this story. I also liked that you mentioned that it was a companion story to another one of your works but could be read as a standalone which was helpful and also lets the reader know that there is another story about these characters and/or this literary world. It keeps the reader engaged, over all.

Grammar/Punctuation – 3.5/5

There was hardly any noticeable mistakes that kept the reader from being engaged. However, just a few minor errors such as lack of spaces and extra commas which I commented on those parts of the story to make it easier for you to identify them.

I also believe the sentences that start with 'but...' were not really needed and only broke up the flow. I suggest keeping entire sentences together instead of broken up onto two different lines. Also try using synonyms of the word to break up repetitive word uses. It will better showcase your vocabulary (which is already easy to see when you use other words throughout the story that are not often used in others).

My biggest concern was that the story kept shifting between passed tense and present tense - it is particularly easier to read when the writer keeps to one form of tense, preferably past tense, instead of constantly shifting them. This breaks up the flow of the story and makes it read rather jaggedly. I could see you were going for time shifts which is okay to do but just keep them in chronological order with past tense vocabulary when telling them.

Character Building - 4.5/5

I believe I could clearly see some solid building around the main character, however you never mention her name or anyone else's for that matter. The main character sticks to fairly the same personality throughout the story - unsociable and focused on studying hard in order to do well in her studies. She seems quite closed off and one track minded.

Never fully establishes the MC's clear goals for wanting to make best placement. The reader can guess it is to become an apprentice, as other background characters have speculated, or even because of the 'secret' mentioned throughout the story yet we don't get a clear motivation for her actions. The story would benefit from this.

All in all, her character seems solid despite lacking a name & clear motives. Her personality and upbringing is shown clearly. A nice foundation for a well built character.

Her family, on the other hand, aren't quite as fleshed out but perhaps this was on purpose.

Her brother is mentioned once in a single line throughout the entire story (albeit short as it is) and the sister gets a few lines but the most personality given to her is a look she makes when the main character backhandedly insults her. Again, probably on purpose as her character adds little to the story at all. Kind of a useless background character that is only mentioned to show where the main character fits into in the family.

The mother could have been fleshed out a little more which would've added to the story rather than hinder it. The mother seems as if she is acting throughout the story, hardly showing much emotion and we learn quite early on that she is hiding something via the main character but it would be valuable to show in the mother's facial features occasionally too.

The father's personality is cleared portrayed with not much development happening - he stays the same throughout.

You mention quite a bit throughout the story that the family is quite rich but never explains how or where the money comes from. Probably would also help giving them a family name (as often rich people love to flaunt heritage). Not super important to the story though I can see but would aid the story with more descriptive language.

Writing Style - 4/5

The writing story is creative but the constant switching between tenses confused me as the reader.

Plot Originality: 3.5/5

The plot wasn't fairly unique as it sounded similar to a few other books I have read previously but it gives a different spin to it. It is written well though and makes the reader want to come back and read more. It definitely hooked me.

Comments:

I have left some comments on your story itself.

Focus points:

- Pacing: The pacing is done fairly well despite the switches of tenses. It mostly follows the MC in a chronological order of when things took place other than the few memories thrown in. It gives the reader information at the right time and keeps a pretty good pace throughout the story.

- Character Development: I have given an in depth evaluation in the third section above. Hope this helps!

But I must say - I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story and it left me wanting more. I am now invested in the main character and her long lost brother. You did a wonderful job, keep up the great work!

Overall Score: 20.5/25