5SoS Preferences

Give it time {M.C}

Sometimes you don't feel good about anything in your life. Sometimes you think that everything that goes wrong in your life is your fault and there's nothing you can't do to try to make things better. Sometimes you can't help but imagine how the world would be if you weren't in it. Today was one of those days and as weird as it sounds, I wanted to ask for help. I didn't know how to do it or who I should talk to but I was so tired of feeling like this that I wanted to try and do something. But, deep down, I knew I couldn't do anything. I never did anything good in life, why should I do something right? "Hey, are you feeling okay?". I didn't realize I was looking at my arms, who were covered with marks of old wounds. I raised my head and I saw Michael's green eyes looking at me with worry. He knew about the marks but he didn't know the truth. I told him they were from when I was little, that I was very clumsy. The truth was that those marks were the consequence of my depression. It was the only way I could feel some relief. "Y/N?" Michael demanded to know, more concern.

The I thought about the possibility of telling Michael what was happening. Maybe he could help me? I wasn't sure he could help he. Michael was that kid who was super cool with his friends. He was always smiling and happy and although he had more relationship with videogames and computers, he was a good boy. I was happy to say that Michael Clifford was my friend but I wasn't sure Michael thought the same about me. We never hang out outside the house, we were always inside, eating pizza, watching movies or playing some game. "I'm not feeling good" I finally said.

"What do you mean? Are you in pain? Can I do something for you?" he asked quickly, stopping the film and turning on the light of the small lamp.

I didn't know how to tell him what I was feeling. Why was everything so hard? "I don't know. I just feel... I just feel like I don't belong anywhere, you know what I mean?" by the look of his face, I could knew he didn't know what I wanted to mean. "I... just feel that something is wrong with me? And that everything I do is wrong and... I don't know, I'm not going to I will never get to do anything important like you or somebody else".

"Where does it come all this, Y/N?" Michael asked, shaking his head and incredulously smiling. Then I realized that there was no point of explaining Michael what was going on with me. First, because I didn't know how to tell him. Second, because he would never understand what I was feeling. Maybe Michael had to struggle a little bit when he was younger but he had a good life now, and he didn't have to deal with his own mind. My mind was problematic, was self-destructive.  

"It's okay, don't worry. I'll be fine. I'm going to buy more beer, okay?" I said, trying to find an excuse to get out of the house. Michael nodded and I left the house but I didn't went downstairs, I went upstairs because I wanted to go to the rooftop. I had never been so clear as before. If my best friend couldn't understand me, how could someone did it? There was no point for me to stay there. My mission in that world was over and was over before I could realize what I was doing there. The fresh air helped me realize I was making the right decision. For the first time in my life, I was doing something right. The thought made me smile slightly and a tear fell down his cheek. I couldn't deny it, it was sad to realize that everything will be better without me but for the other hand, it was for the best.

When I was about to put one food in the wall, I heard the door of the rooftop closing and when I turned around I saw Michael. "You aren't going to find beer here" he said and it surprised me to find out that he didn't use a disappointed tone. And he didn't look disappointed at all either. He seemed... Sad?

"What are you doing here?" I asked, a little bit more cold than I wished.

"Well, after you finished that strange talk it kept me thinking about it and... Then I realize that you didn't take the elevator and let me tell you, I live on the six floor. So, I thought harder and I think I realized what you wanted to tell me and I came here. I didn't want to find you here but I did" he admitted. I was going to talk but he stopped me. "Let me talk, please?".

"Okay" I mumbled.

"I'm stupid, okay? But that's nothing new" I couldn't help but smile when I heard that. "I'm sorry for not understand what you wanted to tell me when you tried to explain me how you were feeling", he seemed sincere. "I don't know what I'm supposed to say or do and I hope you don't take my actions as a synonym of 'I don't care about you' because that's not true, Y/N. I care about you. A lot. And I feel like shit for not realizing what was happening with you. I'm a shitty friend, am I?". I wanted to answer but Michael didn't let me. "Hear me out, okay? Maybe you didn't find the reason why you are here but that doesn't mean that you are worthless, Y/N. You are so good in so many things, more than me! And it's not true that everything you do is wrong, okay? Maybe you think that nothing is going to change if you disappear but you know something? Everything will change if you disappear. You're my best friend, Y/N. You're the person I look for when I have a problem or when I need advice. You're like my soul mate, you know? You understand me more than anyone in this world and if you go... I don't know what I would do without you. You may think I would be okay, that I would find the way to live without you but the truth is that I couldn't. I'm so used to have you by my side, to love you that not being able to do that would kill me". By that time, I was crying my heart out. I never heard Michael tell me that he loved me. I never heard Michael tell me that he needed me. I never heard Michael tell me things like that. It feel... Good? It feel like for once in my life, I had done something good. "So if you jump, I jump. You can't change my mind about this".

I ran to Michael and I hugged him as if my life depended on it. "I love you" I said, crying. He pressed me against his chest and tried to calm my tears.

"It's going to be okay. I know you don't believe this but it's going to be okay. Give it time, Y/N".