The Scenic Route

Chapter 1

Graduation day is abnormally hot, held outside in the high school's football stadium. Kyle is sweating under his nylon robe before the ceremony has even started. Their graduating class is small, and he's uncomfortably close to Eric Cartman in the alphabetical lineup, looking longingly at the rows behind him. He catches Stan's eye and grins, his face falling when he sees the spot next to Stan that would be occupied by a 'McCormick' if things had gone according to plan. Kenny is working in the electronics department of Wall-Mart this afternoon, and he'll miss most of Clyde's graduation party because of his second job, cashiering at the gas station out by the highway ramp. He claims to like working better than school, but Kyle knows he didn't have much choice.

"Hey, butthole," Cartman says, leaning over the two people between them. Kyle pretends not to hear him and Cartman starts waving his hand around. "Hello, Jew, are you deaf? Don't make me come over there."

"What?" Kyle says, glaring at him.

"Testicle Burger got valedictorian, didn't she?"

"Yeah," Kyle says, somewhat sourly. He's graduating third in their class, Butters second. It was a close race toward the end, and Kyle is still a little bitter about losing to Wendy, though he should be accustomed to it by now.

Cartman grins. "You think she'll need to come make out with me before she starts giving her speech? As is tradition?"

"Dude, that happened once when were like, eight," Kyle says. "Let it go."

"I'm just saying." Cartman preens, stretching his arms up over his head. "It could happen."

"Don't count on it, fat ass." Cartman isn't just fat anymore, he's enormous, and actually won a statewide award for playing defensive back for their high school football team. Apparently - unfairly - his late father's genes have finally done him some good. Kyle played basketball until junior year, when it was taking too much time away from his studies. He made it into Penn State with a full scholarship, but he still resents the fact that he had to give up sports to do it, especially since football has become such a big part of Stan's life over the past four years. Stan joined the team almost on a whim, but now he's headed to UCLA on an athletic scholarship. He's not huge like Cartman, but he's smart and fast and fearless on the field. Kyle never missed a game. Now he'll have to watch Stan on TV.

"Hey, Stan," Cartman calls, turning back toward him. "What do you think - is your girlfriend gonna have to make out with me before her speech?"

"Dude, shut up," Stan says. "Stop obsessing over that. It's so pathetic."

"I'm just saying," Cartman says. It seems to be his new catch phrase; there's a new one every week. "I'm here for her if she needs to work out sexual tension."

Kyle groans, ready to get this over with. Wendy is up on stage, seated in a chair beside the principal. Butters is up there, too, looking glum. He claims to be afraid that his parents will ground him for the whole summer for failing to graduate first in their class. Kyle has been praying that he's just being paranoid. If Butters does get grounded, it will royally fuck up the road trip they're supposed to leave on tomorrow morning, heading toward California, where Stan has to start pre-season football camp in just seven days. It's unfair enough to have their last summer together in South Park shortened to one week; if their road trip is canceled on account of Butters' parents' psycho expectations, Kyle will lose his shit. Kenny is supposed to come, too, but he can't exactly be counted on to contribute gas money, despite his two jobs. His father has been gone for years, and all of his earnings go toward feeding his unemployed mother, deadbeat brother and fourteen-year-old sister.