The Scenic Route

Chapter 11

Kyle doesn't have anyplace to run to, so he ends up in the hotel lobby, sitting at a little table near the coffee bar. The air is pleasantly breakfast-scented, but he has no appetite, regret mixing uncomfortably with the anger that's still sloshing around in his stomach. He thinks of Butters' fear of disappointing people, the innocent trust in the way Stan wrapped around him last night, and of Kenny saying, You know, Broflovski, you're like a mother to me. None of it is fair, all of it is infuriating, but Kyle knows he has no right to blow up at any of them, least of all Kenny. He puts his head in his hands and listens to the sound of people ordering breakfast at the coffee bar. He's been there for almost twenty minutes by the time he hears a familiar lip smacking noise. He looks up at Cartman, not surprised to see that he's already procured food.

"These ham and cheese croissants are fucking sweet," Cartman says. "You should get one. They sell them right over there."

"I'm not hungry," Kyle says. He was prepared to gush out an apology to anyone who came, except Cartman. He thinks of Wendy's graduation speech and almost feels guilty, but Cartman asks for everything he gets and then some.

"So," Cartman says, chewing. He seems kind of nervous, something Kyle never thought he would see. "You're pissed at Kenny."

"Yeah," Kyle says, muttering. He's not. He's really mad at Stan for not kissing him, and has been since that camping trip when they got stranded, the morning when Kyle woke up in Stan's arms. It was the defining moment, when everything was either going to change completely or stay the same. Kyle can't hate Stan for wanting things to stay the same, but there's a lively ball of hate bouncing around inside him even so, splattering his insides with acid.

"I'm pissed at that fucker, too," Cartman says. He sits down across from Kyle at the table, and Kyle wants to tell him to get lost, but he could use some company right now, and everyone upstairs probably thinks he's a lunatic and an asshole. "Kenny's such a fucking dick. I really didn't think he'd have the nerve to sodomize Butters within fifty feet of us."

"He wasn't sodomizing him," Kyle says, though maybe that's the technical term. "They're in love. Not that you'd know anything about that."

"You think I've never been in love?" Cartman says. He peels some of the brown paper away from his croissant and takes a gigantic bite, staring at Kyle like he's daring him to answer.

"Um, no," Kyle says. "I think you'd just call anyone who said they were in love a fag. Even if they were in love with a girl."

"Well, it's faggy to say I'm in love," Cartman says, sputtering. "But all it means is you want to fuck someone so bad you feel like you're gonna die from it."

"Cartman, goddammit," Kyle says, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"What! You know I'm right. Okay, and sometimes, maybe, you also want to, like, let them sit in your lap while you debate politics, and make out with them in front of everyone after your football game, and eat Double Stuff Oreos with them in your, like, special secret way -"

"Jesus, Cartman." Kyle rears backward and stares at him, stunned. "Your idealized version of love would involve Double Stuff Oreos. Who the fuck are you talking about?"

"No one! Okay? Nobody! Just, this is theoretical, Kyle! God!"

"Alright, fine!"

They sit in silence for awhile, Cartman taking angry bites of his croissant and Kyle picking at his nail beds, trying to imagine the sort of person Cartman would fall in love with. Stan used to joke that Cartman loved Kyle because he was always on Kyle's case when they were kids, more interested in irritating him than anything else, but Kyle never got that impression. Cartman just focused on him because Kyle gave the best reactions. Stan and Kenny could always ignore him if they wanted to. Kyle was the one who exploded with fury no matter how many times he told himself not to let Cartman get to him.