The Scenic Route

Chapter 16

"Well, congratulations!" Butters says, shouting.

Kyle does his best to make his laughter sound authentic, but Kenny can probably hear the hurt in it. He offers the flask and Kyle shakes his head and goes for the cooler. There's not much food left: some stale bread and beef jerky, half a bag of tortilla chips. Kyle grabs the chips, eating some as he walks to the tent.

"What are you doing?" Stan asks.

"Bothering Cartman," Kyle says. He actually has some things he needs to talk to Cartman about, though he's not sure how reliable any information gained from him could really be. He takes his time unzipping the tent, to give Cartman fair warning. The last thing he needs right now is to catch him wanking to thoughts of Wendy.

Cartman isn't wanking, but he is in repose, his knees bent, the tent barely containing him. He glowers at Kyle.

"Look what that asshole did to my face," Cartman says, pointing to the bruise that's rising on his cheek.

"You kind of asked for it," Kyle says. He climbs into the tent and zips it up behind him. Cartman sits up, looking suspicious.

"What are you after, Jew boy? I'm not trading you my Cheesy Poofs for those nasty fucking tortilla things, so don't even ask."

"I don't want to trade." Kyle sits Indian-style, the chips in his lap. He eats a few, studying Cartman, trying to decide if this is a good idea. It's probably not, but tomorrow is the last day of the trip, and he's got little to lose. "Can I ask you something?"

"What?"

"Stan's desperate to get back with Wendy, of course, and I was trying to talk him out of it, but he won't listen to me. Did she say anything about him, when you guys were talking at the party? I mean, I presume there was some sort of conversation prior to the, uh, physical activity?"

"Yeah, we talked," Cartman says. "She said she was done with Stan. I don't know why they have to cling to this fucking sham of a relationship. I figured, after I'd pleasured her –"

"Ugh, Cartman!"

"—That she'd be my girlfriend, pretty much. But the next morning, I wake up alone, naked, with Clyde screaming at me to get out of his bed. She took off while I was sleeping, and when I call her up, she says she's still with Stan and it's complicated. I'm like, 'ey, bitch, what's complicated here? I gave you three mind-blowing orgasms and Stan's only fucked you six times all year."

"God, just, ew – wait, six times? All year?" Kyle counts the months on his fingers. "She really said that?"

"Yeah, the night before, when she was sane enough to remember that Stan's actually a neutered asshole. And after she came for the first time, she said Stan had never done that for her. And I was like, what a piece of shit, and she goes, well, it's not like he didn't try." Cartman looks very pleased with himself, his smile widening as he speaks. "She said it was embarrassing, like, he'd get all upset because he couldn't do it, and I was like, bitch, I'm barely even trying, we're just getting started, here—"

"Okay," Kyle says, holding up his hand. "I don't need to know the details, just. You don't think she wants to get back with him, right?"

"Kyle, I know we're all like, pretending not to be aware of this, but you're pretty fucking gay, right?" Cartman says. Kyle glares at him, his face heating.

"No!"

"Okay, whatever." Cartman rolls his eyes. "But let's say, hypothetically, if you did like taking it up the ass, and, hypothetically, what you wanted to take up the ass was Stan's dick, would you want to get back together with him if he only let you ride it six times in five months? I don't think so."