The Scenic Route

Chapter 5

"See, that's the thing," Stan says, whacking Kyle's shoulder. "I feel like you're only telling me what you think I want to hear. Since when do you do that, dude? Tell me the truth."

"The truth is I just don't think about your relationship with Wendy all that much," Kyle says, way too sharply to be convincing. In the back, Kenny wakes with a moan and looks around.

"Oh, shit," he says, mumbling. "I didn't know where the fuck I was for a second."

Stan and Kyle say nothing; apparently the conversation about Wendy is over. Kyle's heart beats fast, and he curses himself; the last thing he wanted on this trip was to piss Stan off. He chews his lip and tries to think about how to apologize.

"Want to stop and take a picture of the sign?" Kyle asks as they're driving into the Grand Mesa National Forest. Stan shrugs.

"I'll take one from the car," he says. "Drive slow, okay?"

"Like you need to tell Grandma Broflovski to drive slow," Kenny says, smirking. Stan grins at him in the rear view mirror.

"I know, right?" he says.

"Fuck you guys," Kyle says, fondly. Stan snaps the picture, and Cartman wakes up with a shout.

"Was that a gun shot?" he asks, panicked.

"Yeah, we're on the run from the cops," Kyle says. "Try to keep up."

"It was my camera, dipshit," Stan says. He turns to take a picture of Cartman, who bleary and confused. Cartman grunts and tries to grab the camera, but Stan evades him easily.

They stop at the park's visitor center to get maps of the campgrounds and brochures about the Forest. Kenny reads from the list of area predators: bears are at the top of the list.

"Good thing I brought my gun," Cartman says. Stan snorts.

"Funny," he says. Cartman just stares at him blankly.

"It's not funny, Stan," he says. "You guys will be kissing my boots when I'm blowing away grizzlies in defense of your lives."

"Wait, are you serious?" Kyle says. "You literally have a gun packed in between bags of Double Stuff Oreos?"

"Yeah," Cartman says, frowning. "What? You guys didn't bring guns?"

"How the fuck did you even get a gun?" Kenny asks.

"It's called being eighteen and having money, Kenny," Cartman says. "You should try it sometime. Oh, wait, you are eighteen -"

"You know what, you useless piece of shit?" Kenny says. "I made fifteen thousand dollars last year. How much did you make? Oh, right, you don't even get a fucking allowance, your mom just buys you everything you want -"

"Ooh, fifteen thousand dollars, I'm so impressed!" Cartman says. "My truck cost like, twice that much."

"Your truck that your crack whore mother bought for you? How many dudes did she have to blow for that twenty-five grand?"

Cartman's face turns red, and he does that thing where he seems to grow two feet, jerking his finger at Kenny's chest. "My mom doesn't do crack anymore!" he says, shouting, drawing the attention of a park ranger. "Unlike yours, asshole!"

"Hey, guys, whoa!" Stan steps between them. "Just - calm down, shit."

"Can we get back to the fact that Cartman is carrying a gun around?" Kyle says. "Illegally, since none of us are twenty-one?"

"What does he care if he gets arrested?" Kenny says. "His mom will just blow the chief of police to get him out."

"I'm gonna kick your ass, you white trash son of a bitch!" Cartman says, screaming now.