delphinium - remus lupin ¹

seventeen | amortentia

TW: brief mentions of self harm

Dear diary,

I have never felt more guilty than the moment after I kissed Remus Lupin. I was meant to be in love with this kind and perfect boy but instead, all I felt was that the kiss was wrong. Me 'liking' him was wrong. Me being with him would be wrong.

What made it even worse was that I pretended that I didn't feel like that. I convinced him that the kiss was euphoric, that I loved every second of it, and that I wanted to do it for the rest of my life forevermore.

Okay, maybe I went a little overboard on the convincing, but I have a plan to figure this all out. Everything will go according to plan, and I will love Remus Lupin the way I am meant to and the way he deserves...

"Ten points to Gryffindor! Well done Miss Pettigrew!" Professor Slughorn held up the vial of memory potion in front of the class. "You have brewed one of the best memory potions I have ever seen!" The praise was usual in his potions class, but it was beyond welcome to boost Penelope's mood.

With five minutes to spare she had followed the instructions perfectly, gaining her house points and herself the brownie points she needed to ask a favour of Professor Slughorn after class finished.

"Well done, Nelly." Remus congratulated her as he passed her desk, smiling more than usual.

"Yeah, well done, Nelly." Sophie teased, looking between Remus and Penelope. It was clear to see that something had happened between them from Remus' overjoyed mood, but anyone would believe it was just an average day for Penelope. Usual mood, usual praise, usual bone-crushing feeling of not liking her best friend back after he kissed her.

Remus had walked off by the time Sophie had finished her comment, leaving the two girls at their table to talk while they packed away.

"When were you going to tell us that you and Remus kissed?" Sophie held her hand on her hip while she leaned on the table, leaving Penelope to do all the work in tidying.

"What?" Penelope played dumb. "We never kissed. I don't know where you would get that absolutely preposterous idea from-"

"Oh, come on, Penny." Sophie groaned, falling into her chair. "It's written all over his face. He's smiling like a child with a new pygmy puff."

"Can't people just be happy, Soph?"

"Well, yes, but he's way too happy for him to just be happy to be alive on a random Monday." She crossed her arms and Penelope picked up her stuff off the table. The bell rung for them to leave the last class of the day, and Penelope knew that Sophie had to run to a detention that she could not miss.

"It's the end of the day, it's probably just that." Penelope dismissed, handing Sophie her belongings. "Speaking of, don't you have detention with McGonagall in a few minutes? On the other side of school?"

"Merlin's balls, I forgot about that." Sophie groaned, taking her stuff and vacating the room with the rest of the students. "We'll talk about this later!"

"Sure, we will." Penelope mumbled back, heading towards Professor Slughorn's desk instead of the door.

"Ah, Miss Pettigrew. What a fine potion you brewed just now, you must be very proud of yourself. You have a real talent for potion making." Professor Slughorn bombarded her with compliments when he noticed her approaching his desk. "What can I help you with?"

Penelope fiddled with the wand in her pocket before answering the man. "I was wondering if I could stay for a little while to practise some more advanced potions. I know it's a little premature but I'm thinking about pursuing a career in potion making when I leave Hogwarts and I wanted to see if this talent you say I have is consistent."

Slughorn took a moment to contemplate the risks before speaking. "I would love to run you through some more advanced potions Penelope. I'm more than sure that you would be able to brew them to perfection... but my schedule for tonight is pretty booked up. I have a meeting in a few minutes."

Penelope sighed and closed her eyes. She needed him to say yes, she couldn't bear to have to wait to make the potion.

"However," That single word brought back the hope in her. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt to let you do them alone. You're one of my most trustworthy students now, despite last years track record, and independence is a good skill to learn, after all." The Professor smiled at her as he finished his sentence, knowing he had relieved her of some kind of stress from the day.

"Oh my- Thank you! Thank you! I won't let you down, I promise." The girl bounced on the balls of her feet as Professor Slughorn got up from his seat and handed her the keys to his classroom.

"I know you won't, Miss Pettigrew."

Soon after, Penelope was sitting on the floor with her note book open in front of her, clear and bold writing on the page.

'Amortentia'

She had scribbled notes on the page of ideas to make the potion last longer, but right now she was focused on trialling her plan. That meant she was sticking to the original recipe, but there was something that she had to do first.

Penelope ran her finger along the brim of the cauldron, finding a sharp edge.

This is psychotic.

She took a deep breath and dragged her palm across the edge, feeling the cut burn instantly as she held her eyes closed.

But it will be worth it.