TW: suicide,mentioned self harm and SA
This is a Tsukasa-centric angst. The other characters will only be mentioned because they aren't actually real (except Saki and her friends), Tsukasa's mind made them up.
This fic is basically Tsukasa's diary.
————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Dear diary,
I'm currently laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. There's nothing do do anymore, it's so boring always being alone. I haven't seen Rui in a while, he doesn't have a phone number so it's not like I could just text him. Same with Emu and Nene.
Saki had come over earlier this week but her band is busy and she can't really make much time for me. I feel bad relying on her because it's not her job to take care of me, but I feel sad and forgotten about because she doesn't have time.
I feel like I'm just going back to middle school. My fake personality, always being alone, no one to talk to.. this feeling... I hate it. I hate it all. I hate everyone and everything, but I can't bring myself to say it out loud. I can't bring myself to even think about it without cringing at the thought and hitting myself as if to tell myself that it's not true.
I love my sister, I could never hate her. I love Rui, Nene and Emu, without them I'm not anything but the shell of someone who doesn't exist. I love Touya. I just wish that I could introduce all them to Saki, but they all say that they don't think that they're ready. That they feel scared to talk to her. I stared think that too.
'What if she judges them? What if she says they're not good enough to be my friends? What if she tells me that they aren't real.' What..? Why would I think that? They are real.. right? I mean.. they always say that they don't want to meet others so it's just our little circle, but still.
I love them dearly but they have started to push me away, it's like I'm not even in their group anymore. It hurts. I wanted to try take my mind off of it with other people, open up my circle instead of it just being myself and the others.
.
.
.
.
Dear diary,
It's been a few months and Rui, Nene, Emu and Touya have basically stopped talking to me. They don't even eat lunch with me anymore. I don't know what I did wrong but I decided not to dwell on it too much.
On the bright side, I got a new boyfriend a few weeks ago. I love him with everything in my heart. He's so sweet and caring. I couldn't ask for anything better.
I love him so much and I wish that I could tell Rui and the others about this, but I haven't talked to them in so long.
.
.
.
.
Dear diary,
I got to talk to Rui again today. He said that Nene was getting fed up with my loud attitude and my fake persona. He said that he didn't want to lose Nene because he had known her for so long but he wanted to know if I was doing okay.
I was happy to be able to talk to him again. He stayed for about 3 hours and we talked for what felt like forever. He was happy for me with the fact that I got a boyfriend, and we both gushed about what it would be like for me. What stuff we would do together, what kind of dates he would take me on, it was like our minds had been mushed and fused together.
It was so fun to finally be able to talk to him again. I ended up leaning on his shoulder and laughing with him. It was amazing being around him again! He's the best. I just don't understand why they won't meet Saki...
