For You

Epilogue

The change from a state of living to death, was not easy, but with grandpa's guidance I was settling as well as could be expected. I found little to no time to feel lonely, as grandpa was now almost constantly by my side, no more errands. Keeping to their promise, I was allowed unlimited visitation of my family and friends.

      There was something comforting about visiting those I loved, but I couldn't fathom how grandpa had dealt with it alone. I didn't understand how he had endured seeing my and the rest of my family's broken state when he had passed, many years ago.

      I did my best to visit often, but as much as I felt at peace, being present, but not being able to do anything significantly helpful, shattered my heart in a million pieces. When tears became too heavy and my feelings of hopelessness peaked, grandpa promised that my presence accomplished more than I could ever understand.

     After a few days, I was glad the man convinced me to stay, for it did eventually get better.

     Seeing their initial reactions to my death hurt me the most. Coming out of the crash with minor injuries, nothing more than a broken arm, bruises and a concussion, my parents and sister had the opportunity to sit by me during my final hours. When the monitor flatlined, I had appeared to help ease the sense of devastation in the small hospital room... But there was no easing the emotions felt in that moment.

      The sobbed cry of pain that escaped my mother, Alice, as the top of her trembling body collapsed on the mattress next to my limp body, had shaken me to the core. I had never heard such a horrible, heart-wrenching sound. Grandpa had nearly needed to catch me. While I stood helplessly, grandpa kneeled next to his daughter, arm slung around her shaking shoulders, in hope that she could feel his presence. I had wished I could do like the man. Even if our actions were unsuccessful, the thought of at least trying would ease my guilty mind. Mom shattered by my side, Mila crying unconsolably in the corner, not quite understanding what was going on, and silent tears streaming down my father's face as he stared blankly at my lifeless body, was too much for me too bear. It took many hours before I could endure to sit by their sides again. Placing my hands on theirs, I hoped they knew I was alright.

      Lexi's awakening following my departure was no easier. Woken by her sad-eyed father, Lexi already knew what he would announce. Hit with memories of the previous night, she burst into tears. Body curled around my sweater, body shaking in painful, silent sobs, she had requested to be alone. I knew that she would want to keep the pain to herself, knowing that the sad state of the rest of her family would only deepen hers. As much as it hurt me, I sat next to her, praying she knew that she wasn't truly alone as she thought she needed be.

      As time went by, things got better. The pain never eased, but for the most part, they were learning to live with it, and as a result I was better able to endure their broken states. I could be in their presence without feeling a crushing weight of heartbreak. I was able to go to Jonah and I's favourite basketball court, and for hours I sat with my old friend. I continued to hold Lexi when she needed it most, eventually sharing her teary smile as she re-read my letter.

      Lexi had kept her promise of delivering the letters. Doing so in person, the conversations she held with my family, were liberating for them all. I knew mom would love Lexi, and vice-versa.

      The three Scott's held as tightly to their letters, as Lexi did. Some form of closure and the fading of the initial shock, I was grateful that David, my father, had begun showing emotion again. His life would never return to normal, but I hoped my letter reminded him of his living family; his wife and daughter who very much needed him to be strong. And I watched as he learned that being strong didn't mean feeling nothing, it meant giving into your emotions and admitting the ache.