For You

Jaxson's Letter

Dearest Lexi-Grace,

I know I am in the midst of a future professional writer, so please bear with my very average writing. You better not have cringed at that; do know that nothing, not even death, will stop me from getting through to your thick, pretty head.

 When you read this, I need you to know that I am alright. More than alright actually, for you have given my life a greater sense of purpose. I leave this world with no sense of unfinished business because of you. Because of you I am no longer fearful of passing on.

 I used to fear death; fear the unknown. I was both troubled by the idea that death may mean the end of everything and fearful of the uncertainty of eternity spent in a land I know not of, a land of which no one returns (Did you catch that reference? Who am I kidding? Of course, you did.) I used to associate eternity with inevitable boredom or sense of uselessness. I was the type of person who constantly felt the need to be doing something, to be accomplishing something. I feared the moment I would run out of things to do. I thought of the typical representation of heaven; beautiful scenery and bright sun, as though we're to spend eternity gazing peacefully at the sky, and I thought it would drive me crazy. But my time with you has taught me how to enjoy the simplest things in life. I have looked into your eyes and felt as though time froze; felt as though I could continue to hold your gaze forever and feel nothing but content. You have taught me to enjoy life itself, rather than find enjoyment in my accomplishments solely. You have such a peculiar, positive view of life, and the world needs you to share it with them. You have such a love and curiosity for life, that even during difficult times you hold onto hope, you remain confident that everything will work out, because you know that anything is possible, you know that at any moment an unimaginable opportunity could present itself. I don't want to toot my own horn, to exaggerate my value in your life (I don't want to underestimate it either, as the point of this letter is not to annoy you), but if the roles were reversed, I would be completely devastated by your death. And I know this will bring you pain. I need you, now more than ever, to hold onto your ability to maintain faith that life will get better. Who knows, maybe you are soon to be visited by a unicorn.

My intentions were never to hurt you, to hurt myself. I'm sorry that I'm the core of your ache now, but I hope we can both agree that it was worth it. I need you to know that I have zero regrets. Leaving you will be the most difficult thing I have ever had to do, but I would not change a single decision I have made. If I was offered the chance of a long life, a chance of dying old, but as a result I would never meet you, I would choose you in a heartbeat, Lexi-Grace. The thought of never knowing you, of never knowing the type of love we had, is far more painful than dying young. I will rest easy, as I have known a love like no other. The passion we had, was one of the greatest gifts I have been blessed with.

Before meeting you, I didn't know the true meaning of love. Though I walked into Cranray High knowing that I would soon lay eyes on my soulmate, I never expected my whole life to be changed as much as it was when I first held your warm gaze. Like a cheesy moment in the movies that make you laugh, I froze; my breath caught in the back of my throat, because I was hit with the sudden, overwhelming feeling that I had just met the person that most suited my person. While I used to struggle to maintain a relationship for more than a few weeks, I instantly saw, instantly wanted a future with you. I could envision myself building a life with you, growing old with you... I'm sorry if this is making things more difficult for you, but I need you to know just how loved you are. Please do not dwell on the time we could have had. Someday we will be reunited, and we will get more than we could have ever imagined. Until then, I need you to live; to keep following your dreams and to find love again. I know you Lexi-Grace, I know you will feel guilty, but you are so young, you have so much to live for. You deserve love. No matter their past love, no matter their form of separation or age, you said that everyone deserved love. Please remain true to your own words. You know that there are many others out there with whom you are compatible (perhaps not as loveable as me, but that's beside the point). I promise I will share in your joy when you find love again. But let the person be warned that in many, many years, when the times comes and we are reunited, if you cannot be shared, I will fight, and I will fight hard for you, Lexi-Grace.

I know I have already asked so much of you, but if you could find time to visit my family, I would forever be grateful. I think they could help you during these difficult to come, and I know you can help them. Please inspire them as you have inspired me. You have an amazing way with words, and your voice has the potential of a positive impact on many, so let it be heard. You have taught me so much about myself and the world. You taught me to love reading, to love learning. You many think your impact on the matter insignificant, but once you speak to my mother, you will understand that the accomplishment you deemed small was a near miracle. I've forced myself to learn many things just because you were so passionate about the topic. I held onto every word you spoke, and I know that many currently and many in the future will do the same. I look forward to watching the success and difference you will soon make. I look forward to watching you land your dream career, to see you build a family of your own and grow old. Even if that's not with me. Know that I will be proud of all you achieve, and I will always be with you.

If you are to come to doubt yourself, come back to this letter, and remember the love and confidence that I have in you. When you are afraid, know that I am watching over you. When you are faced with dark times, find light in the stars above you; in the stories that for so long have brought you joy. When you look up at the stars, know that I am looking back at you with a smile (you can catch me by the W. I'll pay my friend Cassy a visit.)

I have met the purest soul and I am never letting go. You will never be alone. If you feel you are, or you are faced with any form of negativity, remember me. Remember the boy who is waiting for you. Remember the boy who will be watching you with pride and who would reassure you that everything will work out for the best.

Lexi-Grace know that I will always be there for you.

All my love,

Jaxson