Me,god,father, and this stupid idiot

L̶o̶v̶e̶ letter

I woke up with water being spilled in my Face. Fucking shit what-

"You slept in Phelps. Again."

Devintly not the greatest way to wake up. i still feel so darn dizzy and my whole Face is wet. Im tired. but i slept in again. Im so...Terrible.

"I apologize sir i-"

I felt a slap across my Face. I held back my Tears again. for fucks sake i just woke up. cant he..atleast wait until he already slaps me in the morning..? i just want some care. But im a terrible kid so this is probaply just what i deserve.

"Apologies mean nothing. Go to school before you miss any classes"

I stood up, quickly changed and grabbed my things. i didnt even have time to eat breakfast. So i left in a grumpy mood, without breakfast and a hurting body and cheek. awesome. I walked a bit faster so i dont miss any classes. not that i really pay attention anyway. I got into my class, tried my best to concentrade and learn and got to lunch. i almost forgot about...the whole "loving" Larry situation until i saw him. Fuck this weird feeling came back. I..i cant be in love. Im not gay. Im not a sinner. THIS IS STUPID! fuck larry. fuck this. i felt tears forming in my eyes and the feeling just wont stop. i walked into the bathroom and locked myself in it. And cried. Like a pathethic immature child. i just cant believe this. Why did he even help me?! i was a total shithead to him. And his Friends. i just...i want to be like that too. so careless. i hate it. fucking  bunch of sinner idiots. i have to be better. but now im sitting here crying in the bathroom. thinking about Larry. Even if i wanted it, it wouldnt even work out. He still hates me. he said so himself. i wish i werent such an asshole! i cant do anything right. Shit what is even right?! My Dad cant find out about this. no one can. this is hell. why am i like this. I just want to be normal. Stop..please just stop.  im just so...helpless right now. Fuck fuck fuck! i need to calm down. This is childish. I wiped away my Tears and pushed my feelings down, washed my Face and walked back. Anxious and angry at myself. I have to be crazy. there is just no way this is real. I was sitting in class But my thoughts Always darted Back to this... Situation. I dont know what to do. Lets think rational. I...Like Larry. Wich is a Sin. And If It would be okay we couldnt even be Friends. I would never Tell Larry i can even stand him the slightest Bit, and if i would He would make fun of me. If this comes Out, my Dad will probaply kill me and my Life would be even more horrible then it already is. So i will Just hide my- Feelings and wait until they are gone. Easy. But the unrational unrealistic Part of me is stupid. And still has..Hope? Or whatever. It would be absolutly stupid to Tell him that i maybe have Feelings for him. But a small Part of me hopes that If i do that it could be different. Stupid. I am stupid. I distracted myself with schoolwork. In the Last class i Fell asleep. As i woke Up again i realized that the Rest of the class was already gone. Fuck fuck fuck how late is it?! I looked at the clock. Fuck i overslept for thirty Minutes. I have to hurry im going to get into so much Trouble for coming Home late. I packed my stuff, and runned to Home. I came there, Out of breath and my Father was already waiting for me.

"Welcome Home. Where have you been travis? You are late."

"Im very sorry."

"This cant keep going Like this. You are late, Fall asleep in class and didnt wake Up today."

"I am very sorry sir i will Change it i promise"

"I Hope so. Go into your room. I still cant Look into your face. I expect better from you in the Future. Get Out of my sight."

I nodded and walked into my room. I Need to get some sleep today. I really really really do. I layed in my bed, trying to sleep. But i cant. Im such a failure. Who.. could even... love me. Fuck fuck WHY CANT HE JUST LEAVE MY MIND ALREADY. i dont want to think about this! I Just want to...i Dont know. Be better. I want to Talk. This doesnt even make Sense i am to tired probaply. Just..maybe Things could be differently. Maybe. Maybe If i have the Guts to ignore what will happen If my Dad finds Out, how sinnful this is and how unrealistic it is. If i Tell him about this Something could Change. I am Not Sure what but..im Just thinking Nonsense at this point. Before i realized it i Fell asleep.