you're on your own, kid

Chapter 6 - A Bottle of Wine

It was soon 2021, and things were starting to change. By mid-February, we started to slowly come out of the harsh lockdown that was imposed on us, and as the months passed life seemed to somewhat go back to normal.

We won our round of 16 games against Trondheim in the Champions League. They were a good side, propelled mostly by Eva Valtersen in the midfield. She was a deceiving player. Whenever you would think she had gone quiet, she would be able to change the entire game. After both the two matches, Ingrid sat with her best friend on the pitch. They had a friendship that reminded me so much of Jill and me. Childhood friends who would always make time for the other.

"Aren't they just the sweetest," I said to Frido, as I stared at Ingrid and Eva. Eva's nervous energy was contrasted with Ingrid's, and I could tell that they were always going to be there for each other.

"Yeah. Friendships like that make me cry." I looked at Frido, a tear streaming down her face.

"Oh my god, Frids, you're too cute." I hugged my friend and we walked inside together.

"Was Eva alright?" I asked Ingrid, as we sat together in the locker room. 

"Yeah," Ingrid replied. "Today's just a hard date for her." I didn't want to ask, but as I stared down at my watch, I read the date: 4th February. 

Later that evening, Lena and I sat on our balcony, the night before I was supposed to move back to my apartment. It was our final night, after four months of living together. We both had a drink in our hands, as we stared out onto the city below us.

"So, this is it," I said to Lena, as we were preparing ourselves for the next day.

"I guess it is," she answered.

"Four months does go by so quickly."

"That it does." She took a sip of the wine that she held in her hands, and there was something so tense between us. As if, we both wanted to say something but neither was courageous enough to say it.

I grabbed the bottle once I'd finished my glass, refilling both Lena's and my own. I needed to feel the freedom of drunkenness. We had no training the following day, having recovered from the game we had earlier that day.

"You trying to get my drunk, Bakker?" Lena laughed, happily taking another sip.

"What? Never," I joked, giving her a slight wink. We didn't say much at first, both of us trying to come to terms with what was about to happen.

"You know," Lena started to say, a little while later, "I thought you were so weird when I first arrived."

"What?!" I exclaimed, laughing.

"I was like why is this girl being so nice to me."

"I'm sorry that I felt bad for you!"

"And that coffee you gave me, oh my god Mila, it was horrific." I started to laugh, my face going red.

"Sorry." Lena smiled at me, taking another sip of the red.

"But, you know, I'm glad you came over."

"I'm glad I did too."

"You're always really... what's the word... positive? Outgoing?" Lena looked down, not sure what she was trying to say.

"Yeah..."

"I just like that about you, I guess."

"Really? Sometimes I think I'm too overbearing. That everyone secretly hates me." I looked away from Lena, knowing that this conversation was about to get extremely heartfelt.

"No one hates you," Lena replied. "I think, it's the opposite. Everyone loves you."

"Not everyone," I laughed.

"I can't name you one person."

"I can."

"Who? I'll fight them." Lena did a fake punch, and I leaned back, chuckling.

"Me," I said, honestly. "I hate me."

"What? What do you mean?"

"I don't know."

"I think you do."

"It's hard to explain."

"Then try." I took a few deep breaths, trying to find the words that I wanted to say. It was hard to articulate something so confusing that I didn't even truly understand.

"I guess, I always try to find a way to distract myself from all the noise I create. I want to be nice to everyone but I'm never nice to myself. It's weird. I do all these weird things that hurt me, and then, I always feel shitty. I always think like I should stop but I never do."

"It's normal to sabotage yourself sometimes. Sometimes we don't think we deserve any goodness." Lena looked at me, her eyes transcending into my own. There was something about this that I didn't understand, but I knew it was important. She was important to me.

"What about you?" I soon asked, wanting to move the conversation away from me. "What's your internal insecurity?"

"Insecurity?"

"You know, mine is that I hate myself. What's yours?" She laughed as I said this so nonchalantly.

"I find it hard, I guess, to sometimes, um- to- to accept myself, I guess." I looked at her, slightly confused.

"With what?"

"Like who I am..." I soon caught on.

"Oh. How long have you known?" I asked her.

"All my life."

"But..."

"But, I'm not sure, sometimes I just fall for the wrong people, and it makes it even harder." I took another sip of wine, nodding my head.

"I guess you can't love someone else until you love yourself, Oberdorf."

"Wise words of wisdom from Bakker," Lena laughed.

"Well, you're welcome!" We clinked our glasses taking another sip. "Do you think about it often? Like, your sexuality."

"Not in a questioning way," Lena answered, openly. "Just in an I-hope-I-find-the-right-person way, you know?"

"Yeah. I do know."

"Must be easier for you," Lena said. I didn't reply to this, instead, I let the comment soak up the air hoping it would take me away with it. I did agree with her. I thought it would be easier for me. But it never was. It never would be.

"One day, we'll find our person, right? We'll live the happy life, and it'll all work out. Everything will work out, just the way it was supposed to."

"That it will." My back started to ache from sitting on the ground, leaning against our glass door, but I didn't move. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to sit here, with Lena, forever.

"I need more," Lena said, standing up and walking inside, to grab the new bottle as we had already downed the first.

As she walked away, my brain started to work in overdrive, contemplating every single moment that led up to this. I didn't want to go back to being alone; I wanted to stay with the person. This person.

I stood up, walked into the kitchen.

"You know," I said to her. "I have an idea."

"Okay..."

"What if I don't move out. What if, you know, we make this official? Like, roommates?"

"Indefinitely?" Lena confirmed.

"Yeah. I mean, why not?" Lena looked at me, with a soft smile.

"I was hoping you would say that."

"Why didn't you then?!" I laughed.

"Cause, I guess I was just waiting for you to say it first." I went over to Lena hugging her softly. My arms wrapped around her body, and there was something so safe between us. A friendship that felt so calming; and peaceful. Nothing I had experienced before.

"I'm still opening this bottle, by the way," Lena laughed.

"Oh, I was hoping you were going to." 

note:

- just thought id throw a little eva in for shits and gigs x 

- anyways, hope u enjoyed x 

- yes shorter chapter but I'm too tired to even live rn let alone write lol