you're on your own, kid

Chapter 26 - Oh Captain, My Captain

Being in England, we knew there was a job to do. The European Championship. It was the holy grail of European success. We achieved it last time, and there was no reason why we couldn't achieve it again.

Despite knowing it wasn't all on me, I never felt as if I had control of the pressure that was placed on my shoulders. I never felt as if I was confident enough to lead myself let alone my team. There is an undying nature to it all. There is a hope and will that transcends everything else. I would give anything for these girls; for this team. But is it possible? Would it ever be possible?

As I sat beside Jill and drove to our first match against Sweden, I felt something inside of me. I felt the pressure. I never normally felt this. I was normally not someone who let the big moments get to their head. But now, I couldn't let my youth override anything. I couldn't blame it on my age. I was now one of the most experienced in the team, and with that came the pressure to perform and to do well for my country. Be the leader I used to look up to. 

At the previous edition, I was young. I was only 18, and I had the world at my feet. There was never a time when I had any of the nerves because if I failed, what would it matter? I was only young. I was inexperienced. No one was relying on me.

But now, people were. My teammates were. My country was.

Both countries: the country I once called home and the country I still do. Both places think of me as a player who can bring them pride; joy. I just hoped I wouldn't let them down.

I wanted to watch Lena's first game; and be there for her for her first major tournament. But it was in London, and I was up north. It wasn't possible. I had talked to her a few times over the days, telling her that she would be great, and that I was proud of her no matter what. But she, similarly to me, had a lot of pressure. She was suspected to be the next big thing for international football. She was Lena Oberdorf. She was unstoppable.

But instead, I watched on, viewing the game on my phone as she started as the six. She was controlling the ball and the play. She was progressing it forward, helping her team like I would always see her do week in, and week out for Wolfsburg. There was something about the way she played: it was with both might and hardship, but also spirit and fierceness. I was always entranced by her; my eyes would never linger.

Lena won her first match against Denmark, with a 4-0 scoreline. Supposedly, her team was in the group of death. Group B was stacked with the likes of Spain, Germany, Denmark, and Finland, but at this rate, and this time, I honestly thought any group would be hard to get out of. With us, we were starting our the campaign against Sweden. The might and terror of the Swedes. They never do poorly; they always play well.

We knew it was going to be hard.

I started the match against Sweden in my preferred right-wing position. I had Jill on the pitch with me, and as we lined up together, something about this all felt right. Viv was at the start of the line, leading us out as our captain. I loved seeing her there, exactly where she belonged. Her brain was like none other, and her skills as a leader were next to none. I'd trust her with anything; she was the epitome of my captain.

"Oh captain, my captain," I said, cheekily, as Viv put on the armband before we were set to go out.

"Don't even," she joked, making sure it sat just right on her thin arm.

"Let me fix it," I said, grabbing the band and straightening it up, pulling down the jersey so it wasn't so crumpled.

"Thanks." I saw her eyes wander, and I knew she was nervous. I wasn't sure why. She knew what she was doing. But, for Viv, everything is different. Her brain works in speed drive compared to mine and everyone else's. She is consumed by these thoughts that often bring on the anxiety rather than subdue it.

"Hey!" I said, snapping her out of it. "You are fine. Just be Viv. No one wants anything else." She nodded, before turning around, and grabbing her boots. I looked around to see the sea of orange. Just in our dressing room, there was so much support for our country. But in my heart, the only support I wanted was hers. I felt her pulsing in my heart, telling me that I would do it, and I could do it, just as I do the same for her. I'd never felt love like this. The love I felt for Lena transcended anything I'd ever experienced before. I thought I knew what it felt like; I thought I understood what undying, and unconditional love was. But I didn't.