you're on your own, kid

Chapter 30 - Control and Cross

The season soon commenced and we were determined to push far. We wanted to win again, fight for the Champions League title, and set ourselves up well, individually and collectively, for the World Cup in the summer. There was so much to play for. So many people to win for. We all wanted it. We all felt it.

And as the season started, everything with Lena continued. The comfort I felt around that girl was indescribable. I could just be me, and everything else would fall into place. She would kiss me when I felt anxious, grab my hand when her brain was running wild, and put her arm around me as we walked. She would put her hand on my leg as we listened in meetings, tie my laces for me before we walked out for training, and always stand behind me in the line before games.

There was just something about Lena Oberdorf.

There was a love that she had for me that was undeniable. Indescribable.

And the best part was I had that exact same love.

I would pick up her favorite food from the store whenever I walked past. I would kiss her cheek as she joked around with the girls. I would wrap my arms around her stomach as she talked. I would look at her with longing eyes as she concentrated, and always teased her when she was studying. I couldn't help it. My eyes would never move too far from hers.

We headed to training one cold October day mid-season. We had just come back from an international break. We had just secured qualification to the World Cup which we were all relieved about, and Germany had won their final games of qualification too.

The international break is always hard. I hate being away from Lena, and the comfort of my own bed, but whenever we are in Holland, I always make an effort to see Papa and this time he was not grateful but relieved. With all the discourse he has been hearing from Ivy, he was scared one (if not both) of us would up and leave; head to Ukraine, and check on Mama and our family. I tried assuring him that that wouldn't happen; neither Ivy nor I would be that stupid to go to a warzone.

But he knew better.

Ivanna Bakker and I were always girls of impulse.

"Is it getting worse?" I asked him, as we sat together for the few hours I had at home before I had to jet back to Wolfsburg, and Lena.

"Not sure. I think so." Even though people had stopped talking about Ukraine, everything continued to combust. Ukrainians were still fleeing, ending up all over Europe. The catastrophe was not over even though many thought it was.

I knew I would have to relieve the pain in my heart at some point. I couldn't keep going about my life pretending that my other world wasn't falling apart.

I'd often categorize my life into two sections: before the Netherlands and after. After was the life I was living now. I was Dutch; my name was Mila; I was a professional footballer. Before the Netherlands, I was Ukrainian; my name was Ludmila; I was a child. The two people are so distinct in my heart and to everyone around me.

But at the same time, they are the same person. They are both Mila. They are both me. It's hard to fight against that fate.

As I walked through my front door, after getting home from international break, Lena didn't say much. Her face seemed happy but her eyes were telling something else. I couldn't understand it. I didn't want to, either.

"Are you alright?" I asked her, walking over to the girl who sat on the lounge. She tried to fake a smile, but I knew something was worrying her.

"I'm perfect," she replied, grabbing me by the waist and pulling me beside her. She kissed me softly, and I placed my hands on her cheeks to steady our bodies. I loved this feeling; of being close to her. But I knew her mind was racing, yet I just had no idea why.