past, present, and future | hwang hyunjin

e i g h t e e n

c h a p t e r   e i g h t e e n

I felt really bad for Hyunjin as we all sat down at the dinner table and started eating today's dinner: Italian pasta. He just whipped out his phone and started humming a weird tune.

"Hyunjin," I started. "Are you hungry?"

"A little," He shrugged. "It's fine, though."

"Are you sure?" I wanted to confirm.

"Well, it would be nice if I could have some of that pasta...?" Hyunjin said, with a suggestive look on his face that said something like, you better give me that pasta or else. Wow, what was with the change in attitude over the course of like, what, 5 seconds?

All my groupmates looked at each other uncertainly, unsure of what we were going to do. "I'll give some to him!" I blurted out.

A smile was immediately sent to Hyunjin's face as Sana got up and grabbed another bowl. It was kind of funny to see the height difference because Sana was 5'2 and Hyunjin was like 5'10. I was only a tiny bit taller, at 5'4. Jeona and Zoe were 5'6 and 5'5 respectively. So no tall people in the group, we were all pretty average to low height.

I scooped some of my pasta into his bowl using my spoon. I was almost about to start eating again before I realized something critical: I had used my spoon before scooping the pasta. That meant if he actually ate all of it, we would have indirectly kissed. 

I immediately choked on a spoonful of pasta at my realization and almost spat out everything in my mouth. Thankfully, I caught myself, got up, and went to the sink to clean myself up. I ignored the weird looks my groupmates gave me and the worried look on Hyunjin's face.

"I'm okay," I croaked after drinking some water. "I'll be fine,"

"Wow, this is really good!" Hyunjin commented, giving Sana a thumbs up. "You're a good cook!"

"Thank you!" Sana clapped enthusiastically at the praise. "Dig in, everyone!"

I looked away from Hyunjin as I ate so the feeling of nausea wouldn't come up again. 

We mostly ate in silence. After we finished eating, Hyunjin left. If I were to be honest, he brought some light into my life and I appreciated his presence. So I was kind of sad to see him go.

So as we said goodnight to each other and went to bed, I was thinking of him.

- - -

Over the next few days, I resumed my idol activities. I didn't really see Hyunjin a lot because we had different schedules. On the occasional meeting in the hallways of buildings or backstage at performance venues, we would enthusiastically greet each other. It was definitely new, especially since we had been ignoring each other for a long time before that.

We also texted very often too. That was also new. Hyunjin would usually ask me how my day went and what activities I had that day. I would answer and ask the same. 

Today was different, however. I felt kind of dizzy, and my entire body just felt dreary and worn out. "Sana," I called. "Can you come here?"

"Yeah?" My groupmate immediately dashed over. "What's wrong?"

"I feel... really dizzy..." I answered slowly.

"Oh my god," Sana put a hand to my head. "You're burning up. Let me get you a wet cloth." She immediately dashed to prepare something for me. "There you go," Something wet was placed on my head, and it was cooling. I reached up with my hand and felt a cloth.

"Thanks," I sent my gratitude.

"Okay, you are not participating in any idol activities today. Let me tell JYP so he can release a statement or something," Sana said, eyes serious. "You're going to be staying at home and resting."

"Fine," I felt really bad because it was as if I was going to disappoint my fans. I sighed in defeat. There was nothing I could do about it, though. "Good luck today, Sana."

"I hope you get better. Zoe! Jeona! Hurry up, you sloths," Sana called for our other teammates. I smiled at her exasperation.

Sooner than I anticipated, I was left alone in the room by myself. I sighed again, thinking maybe I should just go to sleep.

- - -

A faint rustling sound woke me up. Groaning and rubbing my eyes, I rolled over in my bed and found myself face to face with Hyunjin.

"Ahhh!" I yelled in surprise, immediately leaping backwards. "Why are you here?"

He shrugged nonchalantly. "Sana told me I could come. And I've been here before. So what's wrong with coming today?"

"Well, there's no one else here today..." I looked around the room nervously.

"So?" Hyunjin asked, confused. "Why is that a problem?" Then he gave a smirk, eyes darting around flirtatiously. "What, afraid I'll make a move on you?"

I immediately blushed a deep shade of red, so much so that I could practically feel it on my cheeks. "N-no!" I stammered. "That's not it, it's just-"

Actually, no. He's completely right. I am afraid that he'll make a move on me. Just not in the right way. Because what if it leads to...

Pain, pain, only pain. It was the only feeling I felt in the moment. I could not comprehend anything else and it was only the pain. It controlled me. It told me what to do. And then there was the fear...

"Ow!" I snapped back to reality in an instant. "Again? This is the second time you slapped me using your hand harder than you should've!"

"Come on, you dramatic woman. It wasn't even that hard. You literally zoned out again. It was like your eyes were in a different world, they were all glazed over and mysterious," Hyunjin said, shivering dramatically.

"It was- achoo!" I sneezed, mentally cursing myself. But Hyunjin didn't hesitate. He stood up and grabbed me some water and a cough drop, giving me the water to drink and the cough drop to pop in my mouth. Who knew he could be so nice and caring? He surprised me.

"So, what happened?" He asked me, eyes full of concern and worry. "What's wrong?"

I took a deep breath. Maybe it was time he knew. After all, we had gotten pretty close, especially with all the texting and occasional encounters.

"Hyunjin, I was sexually assaulted when I was younger."