Before My Eyes | Bada Lee ff

Chapter 6: I'm not gay

About 30 seconds of kissing each other, Bada slowly moves me towards her bed backward while our lips are still in contact.

Not long after, I feel the soft cushions on my back and the cold soft bed that signals no one has been lying there for a while. Bada took this opportunity and hovered me, then proceeded to lift my dress up to my lower stomach. That's when I broke the silence and spoke, which maybe I shouldn't have.

"I hope you know that this does not change anything, right?" She stops whatever she is doing with my dress and looks me straight in the eyes." What?What do you mean?" She looks confused by what I said.

"I mean this, us hooking up. I hope you know that it changes nothing. Like we won't be anything either than just two students who hooked up. " She looks a bit upset about what I had said. She then chuckles irriatedly

Bada then got herself up and sat at the  near end of the bed. "What? Why are you stopping now?" I asked her, although I knew the reason I just hoped that it does not create problems between Bada and I.

"You seriously think we will carry on after you just made me feel like a mere hook up." She stood up and went to the fridge to grab a bottle of water and gulp it intensely.

"Well, what did you think was going to happen, Bada? I mean, we are both horny, I thought you wanted the same, and after all, I am not interested in women." I felt like that was something that I had to get it out of my chest.

"But you sleep with them? That's sick, Y/n." I can clearly tell right now that she is irritated. "Look, we can not continue with this thing. I won't be taken as a hookup or a one night stand, whatever you may call it! I am also a person with feelings. Until you realize and stop being confused about yourself, then maybe you can come back."

"Come back? Bada, I am not gay, okay? I am just not interested. Yes, I know that I was an inch away from sleeping with you, but that does not mean that I am gay. It's just an experience for me. And I thought you understood that. If you weren't sure about me and if you know I was not sure about myself, why would you throw yourself onto me then-" I jumped as I heard a glass breaking.

"WHAT THE FUCK, Y/N!!!???? SO I'M JUST A TOY TO YOU THAT YOU CAN USE FOR EXPERIENCE??? DO I LOOK LIKE SOMEONE THAT CAN BE PLAYED WITH!!??" I cover my ears with my hands and shut my eyes. I could feel myself shaking. And Bada noticed that and tried to come close to me.

"Y/n- " I stopped her. "No, leave me alone. You have done enough." I quickly fixed my dress and grabbed my stuff. "Can I at least drop you off? I have a car i just did not use it today, and I mean it's midnight, I would not -" I then lost my cool."No, no!!! Bada, leave me alone." I started breaking down, Bada tries to get to me, but I immediately go out of her dorm.

I hear her calling out my name behind me, and I continue to walk out, I did not even book for an Uber. I just walked since my dorm was 10 minutes away from hers.

•••

I got into my dorm and locked the door. That's when I broke down on the floor. I just don't understand myself anymore. It's like I am completely lost. I do things and tell myself I am not interested in them. I try to convince myself out of fear. The fear of coming out to my family. All of that rang in my head as I picked myself up from the floor and threw myself on the bed.

After minutes of crying, I drifted to sleep.

•••

My phone could not stop ringing. I woke up and I lazily answered my phone without having to see the person who was calling.

Amelia: Girl! I have been knocking on your door for so long. Come and open up.

Me: Okay, I am coming.

I slowly got up from my bed and went to open the door.

"Heeyyy gir--, woah you look like shit." I rolled my eyes and left her by the door to sit on the couch holding my head. She walked in and sat with me on the couch.

"I thought you did not drink yesterday, so how come you look like you are having a hangover." I look at her through my hair that was falling onto my face.

"I did not drink, I just have a headache,  that's all." She gently brushed my hair off my face and lifted my head slowly so that she could clearly see me. She gasped when she saw my swollen, red eyes, with bags underneath them.

"Y/n. What's wrong? Were you crying all night? Why didn't you call me? What happened?" She filled me up with questions, and I was already irritated by the fact that I have to answer her now.

"Promise me you won't judge me, please." I pleaded with her. And she nodded. " I won't ever judge you,Y/n. Don't worry. Now tell me what happened." I took my breath in and exhaled, sharply preparing myself for anything at this moment.

" Yesterday when I texted you that I left early, I actually left with someone." She nodded as she was listening carefully. Only after I finished that sentence did she open her eyes wide and start talking. "Oh, hell no!!! Did they do something to you. Who the fuck is that? Tell me the name and I will find the rest myself, I will find his address, his family's address, his cousins address, and even his friend's address. And when I find him, I will whoop him until he sure to play dead. I will make su-" I cut her off, shocked by what she said.

"Ah- hey hey hey!! There's no need for that. They didn't do anything to me, don't worry." She seemed relieved by that. "Well, it's good they chose their life. Because I was ready." I chuckled, and she did too.

"Actually not 'they' but... 'she' did not do anything to me." I look at her, and I can see she wants to say something but stops midway and signals for me to continue. "I went back with Bada, after our dance I was nervous and went to the bathroom and so she came to check up on me and we might have kissed and it kind of led to something more. So Bada suggested that we go somewhere to finish it since it wasn't going to work in the bathroom for our first time together. So we went back to her dorm and tried to continue our thing... that's when i- I told her that 'I hope she does not expect that we can be something more than a hookup.." I look back to Amelia to see her closing her eyes and shaking her head disappointedly as if I had done something wrong. " Look, I know I messed up, but I just had to clear it up so that she won't have high expectations about us, you see." She exhales

"I mean, you could have maybe told her before the kiss happened. Letting her know straight that you weren't interested in going overboard. But with you giving her kisses and all, she straight up had expectations. So you should have cut it off before she thought she could get a chance. When you kissed her back, it probably gave her hope." She is right.I look around, feeling bad by my action. "But that's a lecture for after. What did she say about that? What was her response?" She asked.

"Oh, she did not like that one bit. She even broke the glass. That's how upset she was about the whole thing. And I got scared and all, and came back after the argument." She puts her hand on my shoulder. " I mean, she had every right to react like that, although breaking a glass might have been a little extreme."

"Well... I don't even know how I will face her at school. I am not ready to see her, honestly." I exhale, feeling exhausted by this conversation.

"Can I ask you something, Y/n?" I look at her and nod. "Are you sure you are not gay? I mean, if you have no interest at all in women, why would you go to the length of wanting to sleep with Bada. And on top of that, if you don't like Bada that way, why would you care about how she feels or how you will face her if she was really just going to be a hookup to you?" I look away from her as I did not know the answer myself.

"I think that maybe it's because we go to the same school. I get to see her every day, so it will be awkward. " She chuckles. "Saying you 'think' and 'maybe' proves that you are not sure yourself. I really think you should get to know yourself better. You are definitely confused."

I stand up from the couch. " I will not go through this with you, Amelia. I'm not gay and that's it. There's no more to say to that."

Am I really confused?