can you see me? / purinz

the ballet to my opera

The next day, Chaewon wakes up with sunlight streaming through her window. She takes a moment to stretch and enjoy the light. She's become so used to waking up before sunrise for practice and- Oh shit. She's late for practice.

Chaewon snaps out of her morning daze and frantically reaches for her phone to see that her alarm never went off. She set at least three of them the night before, surely one of them should have worked? Then she sees the texts from Yunjin.

Yunjinnie: i turned your alarm off 😈 forgive me pupu!!

Yunjinnie: i told the manager you're sick and you'll be late for practice. he's not mad. take a shower 😘

Chaewon smiles at her phone in spite of herself. She should never have given Yunjin her passcode. She drags herself out of bed and into the shower, washing away yesterday's sweat. As she goes through her morning routine, she thinks about the night before, a slight tinge of embarrassment coloring the memory. Falling asleep on Yunjin, being carried to bed and tucked in, asking Yunjin to stay with her. Chaewon normally hates touchy-feely stuff like that. She must have been really sick, she decides.

As soon as she arrives at practice there's that tense feeling in her stomach again. Yunjin and Kazuha are practicing for their SBS opera and ballet stage. Yunjin is standing on a stool, singing in French and beaming at Kazuha as the girl dances in front of her.

Yunjin. She really is something else. Chaewon knows nothing about opera, or French for that matter, and watching her friend sing so effortlessly is just another reminder of how much she still doesn't know about her life predebut. Of course, Kazuha is a perfect ballerina. She's tall and graceful, her every movement extending through her long limbs. Chaewon can't blame Yunjin for the goofy smile on her face as she watches.

Watching Kazuha, Chaewon is too aware of herself. She has always felt that being small adds to her charm. Next to Kazuha, though, she feels childlike. She doesn't have long legs or graceful arms, she has stocky limbs that are better for point choreography than ballet. And then there's that stupid transition when Chaewon joins the performance with a little spin and an isolation move. It's as if the choreographer is saying: Wow, look at our singing angel and our beautiful ballerina! Oh, and here's Chaewon, she can do a cool dance move.

Chaewon tries her best to clear her head and focus on the dancing. She's always been confident, known for her stage presence and charisma. Why does she suddenly feel so inadequate? As the rehearsal continues, she feels herself growing more and more annoyed at Kazuha. She knows it isn't fair, the girl is only doing the choreography she was given, but somehow every move Kazuha makes feels like she's taunting Chaewon.

Chaewon knows it's ridiculous. Kazuha is always the first to congratulate Chaewon on a good performance, always the first to tell Chaewon she looks pretty whether they're all made up for a performance or flushed and sweaty in the dance studio. She has no reason to think Kazuha would be trying to get to her on purpose. Still, the more she thinks about it the more she's sure it's not all in her head. Kazuha's eyes keep flickering to look at her in the mirror. Whenever Chaewon sneaks a glance at Kazuha, the other girl's eyes are already on her. Is it because she was late to practice, Chaewon wonders. Or maybe Kazuha has always stared at her like this, and Chaewon is usually just too engrossed in watching herself to notice. Whatever it is, it pokes at the annoyance in Chaewon's chest until it grows into something ugly.

It's a torturously long day of practice, blasting the Fearless opera remix on loop and repeating over and over the same ballet moves that just don't look right on Chaewon's 5'4 body. It's a torturously long day of Yunjin praising Kazuha every other second, Kazuha's eyes on Chaewon in the mirror, and Eunchae being a ball of happiness which only worsens Chaewon's sour mood. When they get back to the dorm it's already past midnight and the other members are still full of giddy energy, talking about how people will react to the performance. Yunjin proposes that they go up to the roof of the building and look at the stars, but Chaewon excuses herself.