can you see me? / purinz

the night before christmas

Chaewon can hear soft voices and footsteps outside her bedroom door. She lays buried under the covers, afraid that if she moves the other girls will realize she isn't asleep and start knocking again. Soon enough, Kazuha's voice disappears, and then Sakura's, and then it's silent. Chaewon assumes everyone has gone to bed. When Yunjin suddenly speaks, she jumps a little.

"Chaewon," Yunjin calls through the door, "Can I please talk to you?"

Chaewon is silent, hoping the other girl will give up.

"Whatever I did, I promise it wasn't on purpose," Yunjin's voice is getting desperate, " I would never want to hurt you."

Hearing Yunjin like this makes Chaewon's heart hurt. But what can she do? What is she supposed to say? You didn't do anything, it's just that Kazuha and Sakura seem to think I'm in love with you and I'm so fucking scared that they're right.

"Chaewon," Yunjin murmurs, voice growing softer as if she's falling asleep, "Let's just forget about all of this. Let's get on a plane and go to New York. Or let's go to space. Let's steal a spaceship and go to the moon together."

"Let's dig a hole and live underground," Chaewon says in a small voice.

"Pupu? You're awake?" Yunjin's voice has lost all of its sleepiness, " Let's go on a walk together. Seriously, let's go right now."

Chaewon sits up slightly at the proposition. They're not usually allowed to go out without checking with their manager, paparazzi and stuff, but it's not like anyone is going to see them at this hour. It's past midnight and the sun has yet to rise. Chaewon gets out of bed and unlocks her bedroom door, slowly pulling it open. There's Yunjin. There's Yunjin with her dark eyes that see straight through the facade of calm Chaewon is putting on.

"Are you okay?" Yunjin asks.

Chaewon throws her arms around the other girl's neck, straining slightly onto her tiptoes to reach. Yunjin's arms wrap around her waist and lift her up momentarily and Chaewon feels warmth spread across her body.

"What's wrong, Pupu?" Yunjin asks softly.

"Stop calling me Pupu," Chaewon ignores the question.

"Never," Yunjin gives her a tight squeeze before setting her down. Chaewon immediately grabs Yunjin's hand to make up for the lost contact. Yunjin gives her a weird look but she doesn't question it, taking her hand away only to put on a jacket before lacing her fingers back into Chaewon's.

They take the elevator down together and walk for a while in silence. Their apartment is far from the nightlife districts of Seoul, and Chaewon feels for a moment like she and Yunjin could be the only people in the world as they walk down empty streets, past darkened windows and grated storefronts. Yunjin is wearing a puffer jacket over a sweatshirt over a shirt and she still looks cold. Her cheeks are flushed and her lips are parted slightly as she breathes the freezing air in and out, breath clouding with every exhale. The wind has blown her hair out of place and wisps of blonde fly around her face as she runs her fingers through it.

"What?" Says Yunjin.

Chaewon snaps her eyes towards the ground. She hopes she hasn't been staring for too long.

"Where are we walking to?" She attempts to change the subject. Yunjin points ahead of them and Chaewon turns to look.

Chaewon had been so busy staring she hadn't noticed that they were approaching their destination. It's a small park, just a few benches centered around a fountain that has been turned off for the winter season. Skeletal trees encircle the clearing. Chaewon suppresses a smile. Yunjin is the only person she knows who would enjoy a park like this.

"Oh, I guess they turned the fountain off," Yunjin looks disappointed.

"It's okay," Chaewon smiles at the other girl, "This way we get a better view of everything without that annoying water blocking the way."

Yunjin smiles back at her and they sit next to each other on a bench. It's awkward without the sound of their footsteps filling the silence. Chaewon stares at the empty space where the water jets would normally be spraying up, but she can feel Yunjin's eyes on her. It's unbearable, sitting next to her best friend in silence like this.

"Yunjin," She finally says, turning to face the other girl.

"Chaewon," Says Yunjin.

"How did you..." The words get stuck in her throat and it's all she can do to force them out, "How did you know that you liked girls?"

"I always did my best to deny it," Yunjin admits, "I would try to explain my feelings away and tell myself it's normal to admire other girls. When I started to fall in love with a girl, I couldn't explain it anymore. It's impossible to ignore something so strong."

"How did you know?" Chaewon asks, "Did you love Zuha as soon as you saw her?"

"Oh, I mean," Yunjin's voice grows quieter, stumbling over her words, "I- Zuha wasn't the first girl I've liked. I mean, I've known for a while now."
"Oh," Says Chaewon, "How long?"

"Four or five years," Yunjin murmurs.

Chaewon's breath catches in her throat. She turns towards Yunjin, summoning the courage to return her gaze, "Produce48?"

Yunjin nods.

Who? The question burns on Chaewon's tongue, but something in Yunjin's eyes stops her. There's something darkening her eyes, something that makes Chaewon afraid to ask but all the more desperate to know.

"What does it feel like?" Chaewon asks instead, "Liking a girl like that."

"It felt like dying," Yunjin says simply. The past tense of felt looming over them like a shadow and it's obvious she isn't talking about Kazuha.
"It felt like I couldn't breathe," Yunjin continues , "I couldn't breathe when I was away from her and I couldn't breathe when I was with her. I would have done anything to please her. I would have buried myself alive if it would make her smile. I wasn't myself at all."

"How did you find yourself again?" Chaewon asks as gently as she can, afraid that speaking too loudly will break the trance the other girl seems to have entered.

"I don't think it's possible," says Yunjin, "I don't think anyone can be the same person after loving someone like that. I don't think you can ever get over it."

"You still love her?" Chaewon asks, although Yunjin's face betrays the answer, "Even after all these years apart from her?"

Yunjin doesn't answer. She doesn't have to, really. She gathers her legs to her chest, her puffer jacket making her look like a cute, shivering marshmallow. It's all too clear to Chaewon. Whoever this girl is, she's got her claws sunk so deeply into Yunjin that wrenching them out would only spill blood. Chaewon never stood a chance. Even Zuha never did, not with this look in Yunjin's eyes. Everything Chaewon wanted to tell her dies on her lips. There's no point in any of it now.

"Why did you run away from me?" Yunjin asks, "During the game?"

Chaewon reaches out to cup the other girl's cheek. Moments ago, the touch would have sent pinpricks through Chaewon's hand and butterflies would have filled her stomach. Now, all she feels is a dull ache in her chest that pulses when Yunjin's eyes meet hers.

"I wasn't running away from you," She gently moves her thumb on Yunjin's cheek, "I was just overwhelmed and I needed time to process everything I talked about with Kazuha. You didn't do anything wrong."

Yunjin leans into her touch and it's all Chaewon can do not to kiss her. To push her away. To do anything to get that horrible, heartsick look off her face.

"So everything is good between us?" Yunjin asks.

"Of course," Chaewon takes her hand away to wrap her arms around the younger girl. Yunjin nuzzles into her and they sit like that for a while before Yunjin speaks again.

"Tomorrow is Christmas," She says.

"Today is Christmas," Chaewon corrects her.

"I guess it is," Yunjin smiles, "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas."