can you see me? / purinz

the diary

December 26, 2022

If this is my last diary entry it will be because I've died of a sudden heart attack caused by Kim Chaewon. Something's been up with her lately. She keeps complimenting me out of nowhere and it sends me into a panic every time. She even kissed me goodnight?!?! The Chaewon I know starts gagging if you even say the word kiss. Is this all in my head? Am I reading too much into things? I'm sure something's going on with her, I just can't figure out what.

I wonder if it has to do with her talk with Kazuha today. Maybe that's what's putting her in such a good mood. When I came back from lunch they were both all red and embarrassed and seeing it felt like getting punched in the stomach. I've been trying all day to give them time alone with each other because I want to be a good friend, but it hurts more than anything. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just let them figure it out on their own instead of pushing so hard for the thing that will destroy me? I feel so conflicted about everything. Tomorrow we're flying to Japan. Hopefully a change of scenery will help us sort everything out.

Chaewon curses herself. How could she be so careless? Of course it would hurt Yunjin seeing Chaewon and Kazuha together, even if Yunjin's idea of the situation couldn't be further from the truth. Although Yunjin claimed that her feelings for Kazuha weren't a big deal, she'd only just begun to get over her four days ago. But then again, hasn't Chaewon made it obvious enough who she's really interested in? Only Yunjin could take a kiss goodnight and turn it into an argument for how much Chaewon likes Kazuha. Chaewon flips to the previous page, ignoring the twinge of guilt in her stomach.

December 25, 2022

I'm so angry I feel like I'm going to burst into flames. I've never been so angry before. I know I should focus on comforting Chae and not on how much I want to beat her mom up, but I feel so helpless when I see her cry. I feel like I've failed. I just want to protect her from every pain in the world. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure nothing hurts her ever again.

Chaewon's never heard sweet words like these from Yunjin before. Her heart races as her eyes dart down the page.

She told me today about her feelings for Kazuha. I guess I should have seen it before. Who wouldn't like Kazuha? Even I liked Kazuha. At least, I thought I did. I hoped I did. She really did make me happy for a while, but I always come back to the same person. I was stupid to think I could escape it. I'm beginning to feel like I'll never get over her, my life will just be an eternity of dreaming of someone who will never think of me the same way.

Chaewon swallows. Of course. The girl from Produce 48, who keeps the tightest hold on Yunjin's heart while Chaewon adores her silently and hopelessly. Of course it all comes back to her. The diary is thick, but nowhere near thick enough that it would reach back 5 years. Still, Chaewon is desperate to find out who this girl is. At least once she knows she can stop spending every night searching her memories of 17-year-old Yunjin for clues, her heart hurting more at every new possibility. What if it's Minju, who was always so much prettier than Chaewon? What if it's Yuri, who was always a better singer? And the worst one of all: What if it's Sakura? Chaewon tries to push the idea away, but it burns in the back of her mind. She turns back another page, aware that she's been taking a suspicious amount of time in Yunjin's room but unable to tear her eyes off of the book in front of her.

December 24, 2022

It's Christmas already. I didn't have time to write yesterday so I'm writing this in the early hours of the morning before I go out to see my grandparents. I went on a late night walk with Chae and she asked me all these questions. She asked me what it felt like to like a girl and I described it as best I could. It felt weird, telling her all these things I never thought I'd be able to say to her. Of course, she still doesn't know the truth. I wonder how she'd feel if she did. I wonder if she'd be uncomfortable around me. Maybe she'd be disgusted. Or maybe she wouldn't be surprised at all. Sometimes, I think she sees it clear as day. Sometimes when she looks into my eyes I think it's impossible that she wouldn't see how in love with her I still am.