can you see me? / purinz

home for the holidays

Chaewon didn't imagine herself waking up on Christmas with a Yunjin-sized hole in her heart, but these things are often hard to anticipate. Chaewon and Eunchae are allowed to return home for the day to see their parents as long as they're back in the dorms by nighttime. Chaewon can't complain. She feels worse for Sakura and Kazuha who are stuck in Korea and can't see their families at all. Yunjin's parents are in America, so she visits her grandparents for the day.

Chaewon does her best to focus on her family. It's rare that she gets a chance to see them and she enjoys the familiar fuss her mother makes over her. Homemade food, gifts, no dance practice. Normally this is the best day of Chaewon's year. This year, she focuses on plastering a smile onto her face and disappearing to the bathroom whenever she feels it slipping.

Her mother, of course, sees right through her. When Chaewon starts to bid goodbye to everyone and gather her things to return to the dorm, her mother pulls her aside.

"Is something wrong?" She asks.

"No," Chaewon lies automatically, then blanches under her mother's questioning stare, "I'm sorry. I've just been feeling strange lately."

"Chaewon, listen to me," Her mother says seriously, "If there's something going on that they've told you you can't tell me or that they've told you you must keep secret, you need to tell me now."

It's only natural for her mother to worry like this. She is an actress herself and knows what the industry is like. Chaewon can't even imagine the unspeakable things her mother worries about.

"No, mom, nothing like that," Chaewon assures her mother, "It's nothing to do with work. It's just that I've been struggling with some personal things."

Her mother's face changes, "Ah, heartbreak."

Chaewon chews her bottom lip, "Sort of."

"Sort of?" Chaewon's mom gives her a look, "Honey, you look like the sky has come crashing down on you."

Chaewon cracks a smile, "I thought I was hiding it well."

"Not from your mother," She takes Chaewon's hands into her own. "You can tell me, I've been through the same thing. I was young once, too, you know."

"Yes, but," Chaewon can feel her palms getting clammy, "It's not what you think it is."

"And why is that?" Her mother asks. Chaewon seals her lips tightly together. She doesn't trust herself to think up a lie. Even if she tried, her mother would never believe her.

"There are no secrets in this family, Kim Chaewon."

Chaewon exhales long and slow, hoping that while she's breathing an asteroid will hit the Earth and save her from this conversation, "I think I'm in love with a woman."

The warmth disappears from her mother's eyes. She lets go of both of Chaewon's hands, "Don't say anything more."

"Mom-"

"Don't."

"Mom, I can't do anything about it," Chaewon protests, "I didn't choose for this to happen. I wish more than anything that I wasn't, but I am."

"Kim Chaewon," Her mother says coldly, "Don't say another word about this. To anyone. You're putting your own career and mine in danger. Your disorder is your own to confront, but our family's reputation will be ruined if you speak about it like this. Do you understand?"

Chaewon nods. Silently, she gathers her things and walks out of the house. Her mother doesn't say goodbye.

As much as it hurts Chaewon, her mother is right. Even Yunjin's tweet for pride month had been controversial and she had only been expressing her love for fans of all sexualities. Chaewon could never handle the comments, the fetishization, the fire and brimstone preaching. No one can know. Not as long as she wants to have a career.